That's All Folks!

Shattering Assumptions

Well, we have come to the end of another year. I feel like I should make some grand pronouncement or craft some cutesy list of my year in review. But, I think I want to keep it simple and neat. 

This year, was definitely better than last year. It had its challenges, but it was much more rewarding than anything else. I believe the Get My Life Right Campaign of 2011 (GMLRC) was a success. 2012 marks my inauguration into right living. 

I rediscovered a lot about myself this year. A lot of this year was learning how to be "okay" with how things were/who I was. I have spent a lot of my life wanting to be someone/something else AND still be me at the same time. It is just not possible. You are either true to yourself or you are not. I have decided that being true to myself makes for a less conflicted life. However, I also realize being true to myself means walking a lonely road. 

Most people aren't interested in who you are. Unless who you are in some way adds some prestige to their life. Don't get me wrong, there are a select few, but they are really hard to come by.  Many people (in their brokenness and struggle for acceptance) are trying so hard to stay afloat themselves, that they don't have the time and energy to really invest in others. I am not writing this out of a place of bitterness (I actually feel optimistic about people in general), but out of observation. 

This year was about discovering who I am, who I really am, and convincing myself that who I am is good and worthy of love even when I encounter a world that, often, tells me otherwise. I was on a journey of being okay with the fact that I am an awkward, bookish, over-analytic, sensitive, private person who will be often misunderstood. Along that journey I discovered that there will be friends who will value who I am, just as I am, and I needn't worry about the rest. I was reminded that love (of all kinds) is hard work and is not for the faint at heart. I found the deep love of friendship. I am still on the journey of romantic love, but I no longer fret it's coming. This next sentence will be so cliche, but what ever... I have learned to love myself flaws and all and out of that I am seeking to truly connect with people who can/will do the same. 

So, next year I have only one resolution. To live authentically and consequently more fully.  This year was about learning and being. Next year will be about doing. 

That's all folks. 

Mission Accomplished?

“There’s a trick to the 'graceful exit.' It begins with the vision to recognize when a job, a life stage, or a relationship is over — and let it go. It means leaving what’s over without denying its validity or its past importance to our lives. It involves a sense of future, a belief that every exit line is an entry, that we are moving up, rather than out.”
― Ellen Goodman

Last year, I wrote about this being the year of Genial Ginny. I also started the GMLRC for 2011. I also talked about the things I want to do before turning 30... So how has all of that gone, you ask? I know I have a few weeks left, but lots of the major things in my life this year have already come to an end, so I will do some pre-end of the year reflecting/reporting out.

Miss Congeniality
I don't know that the mission of Genial Ginny was totally accomplished. I did manage to exercise a little less pessimism this year than I have in the past (hey, baby steps, right?!). For the most part it has been a good year. I felt more settled in who I am as a Ph. D. student. I accomplished some things (on the educational front) that I feel proud of, so overall I feel like life as it was connected to school was a #WIN over all. My interpersonal life has been all over the place. I have (unfortunately) neglected friends due to personal issues and some monetary constraints, my dating life was...interesting, and family life continues to be a conundrum. Maybe in 2012 I can reach the fullness of congeniality?

GMLRC 2011
Did I get my life right?! Well, for the most part I would say yes. I had to make some sacrifices, but I am more on track with my finances, school, and some other things. Some relationships that had been strained in the past are on the mend. I learned more about myself and what works for me (on various different fronts). Mostly, I will be leaving this year feeling accomplished.

Destination 30
Hmmm... yeah, so those projects I said I was going to do...not yet started. I just passed the halfway point to 30, so if I am going to do them, I'd better get on it! I think this season will be a good opportunity to do all three projects: 30 photos of promise, 30 poems for 30 years, and 30 prayers for 30 people. I am about to be doing a lot of praying, and that is actually a really good thing, because I haven't spent nearly the amount of quality time with my Daddy as I should!

Quick life updates:
Fall Semester - officially over! It was good, busy, stressful, and productive.
The new beau - is no more. The shortest real relationship I ever had, but still many lessons to be gleaned. The break up was (mostly) amicable. I think it was for the best, so no regrets (about the relationship or its ending)
Salsa - still on the fence, but looking forward to being able to do more of it over the break!

Well, that's all folks (for now). Have a very Merry Christmas. I'll post again before the New Year!

Our Dreams Can't Wait

One of the things that I do for my assistantship that I love is making promotional flyers for events. This one is one of the more simple one's I made, but it really has me thinking a lot of privilege and aspirations.

The College of Education in conjunction with others has been putting on a series of events surrounding the bill that was passed in Georgia prohibiting undocumented students from attending five of the major public universities , UGA being one of them. To be honest, I am not sure where I stand on the issue of undocumented immigrants overall. What I can say about it is that I can honestly understand their plight, in part. Many of them are coming from countries in which the conditions prevent them from striving after their dreams. Under such circumstances, I can understand coming to this country under any means necessary to at least try to have a chance at that. I have friends that are undocumented and they are some of the hardest working, kind, and grateful people I know. But, I do understand the cost of undocumented immigrants as well and can't ignore that.


When it comes to higher education, though... It is already difficult for them to get there and the university system makes sure they pay for it (they have to pay out-of-state tuition regardless of where they actually live). The argument is that they take the place of students that could be going to the schools. In a perfect system that might be a valid argument save for two things: 1) the nepotism that is incessant in higher education ("Oh you are the daughter of a senator? Come right on it! It doesn't matter that you have a 2.1 GPA and someone with a better GPA will no be allowed in.") 2)If these students are performing well enough in schools that they can gain entry into the more selective schools, why deny them entry. The only make the campus the better for it.

"Our dreams can't wait." That was a statement that I stumbled across connected to this issues. You give me someone who has endured the hardship (or their parents, whomever) to pick up, leave everything else behind, work extra hard to achieve (don't get me started in the laziness of today's culture...) and I'll give you a prime candidate for higher education.

The problem is we have forgotten what the purpose of it really is.

A Vestige of Lassitude

Today is the last day of regular classes. I have one paper and a final left. Last week was...a nightmare, but I survived.

I have a lot of catching up to do (mainly with work hours), but I don't feel overwhelmed. There is a vestige of the lassitude of last week in my spirit, but I feel I am on the cusp of renewal and I am excited about this. This time last year I was coming out of the depths of self-doubt and finding strength in who I was and my own two feet. This year, I have felt confident, though stretched and pulled to my limits.

So, I rejoice in progress. I look forward to the future. Most of all, I can't wait for Winter Break!

Break Dancing

Dancing in all its forms cannot be excluded from the curriculum of all noble education; dancing with the feet, with ideas, with words, and, need I add that one must also be able to dance with the pen?
~Friedrich Nietzsche


Would it be pretentious of me to say I love Nietzche? Is it pretentious to ask? Either way, I have already gone down the road of pretense so, I'll just say I love this quote by FN. It really captures my life to date.

I am taking a quick break from schoolwork to update my blog. I fear that if I don't do this now I won't get to it this week and I can't have that when I have been doing so well! So, this may be another short one, but there is something to be valued in brevity.

Last week was Thanksgiving break. We were off from school the entire week. Sounds heavenly, no? No. Under different circumstances it would have been great, but the great tsunami that is the end of this semester was only beginning at the thought of this break. You know how they say, before a tsunami happens the oceans rears back/recedes. Another saying that captures this is "the calm before the storm." Well, Thanksgiving break was the (not so) calm before the S storm that is these next three weeks.

I ended up working most of the week. Mostly doing and transcribing interviews. This weekend I have been working on the two projects that I have looming on Monday and Tuesday. I have not even begun the one that is due on Wednesday, but I'll get there. It's a mad dash, and I am worried that my legs have atrophied. The bad news: I am going to be hating life for the next couple of weeks. The good news: life is good. I have a loving family, great friends, and a pretty awesome boyfriend. So, even at it's worst, school doesn't cancel out all the things I have to be thankful for.

There were (at least) a couple of bright spots this past week, though: [1] Many of the days during this break were simply gorgeous. On Thanksgiving morning I took an hour long walk and just basked in the pulchritude of Go'ds creation. It helped me to stay grounded. [2] I got to get some salsa dancing in this break. It was good to return to the dance floor. I enjoyed seeing my friends, but i am getting rustier by the moment. Also, I don't know if it is that, school, something else, or some combination thereof, but i am not as "in" to it as I was before. o_O What's that about?

However, I agree with my friend FN (now, it is not only pretentious of me, but also highly presumptuous of me to refer to him as my friend); Life is a dance. School at this moment is like the most complicated casino move that exists. It has me all tangled up and it looks impossible. I may suffer an injury or two in the process, but I'll make it to the end (and probably never want to do it again! lol). But i will continue to dance my pen across the pages (actually my fingers across the keys #digitalage [I did that hashtag for you Andre]) until the music ends.

Blogger's Digest -ion

“The stomach carries the heart, and not the heart the stomach.”
- Miguel de Cervantes Saavedra

I had been having some problems with indigestion for a series of 3 or four weeks about a month ago. I finally went to the doctor and she confirmed what I had suspected: my digestive problems were caused by a combination of stress and poor diet. On the GMLRC2011, I had begun to neglect some areas (my physical and mental health) in my push to do better in others (school, work, etc.). Since then, I have been doing better to have a holistic approach to the GMLRC2011 and I have been eating better and attempting to reduce stress.

Today, however, there is a war brewing, a Braveheart level epic is playing out in my stomach. As far as diet is concerned, I have been doing better, but my stress levels have been on orange alert. :( I am SO looking forward to winter break and, hopefully, a return to the elysian days of old!

Proffering you a Post

So, yeah... I didn't get around to that mid week WotW post. I am proffering it now. (Baby steps).

Thanksgiving break can't come soon enough! I will still have to work on some things, but at least my schedule will be more free to do so. These days I feel like I am treading water. Despite all of that, things are good. I am learning to go with the flow and let some things go (rhyme unintentional).

My mom and I had a really good conversation a few weeks ago, that helped me to begin the process of shedding some long too nursed wounds. I am hoping that it was a major turning point for us and our relationship. I struggle oftentimes with feeling guilty for being so angry with her and realizing that she gave above and beyond what could be expected with what she had to work with. How do you find balance in that? Probably more than any relationship, this one reveals how far I have to go in even coming close to showing the love of God to people. I have thought in frustration more times than I can remember, "How can you call me to love and not equip me to do it!" When really what is going on is, I am willing to obey God's command to love only until a certain level of un-comfortability and sacrifice.

That place of feeling "stuck" has been a major hindrance in my relationship with God. I have felt entitled for so long to receive accolades for the other good things that I do, but continue to nurse a heart full of unforgiveness. Where is the honor in that? So yeah, I hope that I can do better and this encounter with my mom was the push that I needed to get on that track.

Wow, that is not the direction i thought this post would go in, but it needed to be shared. The GMLRC 2011 continues, and the outlook is good. I'll even get to do some Salsa dancing this Friday!!!

Let's have a Quickie

I have a weird amount of time (about 22 minutes), so I thought I would update my blog. I am trying to do better!

Last week was really good. I was productive, not as productive as I would have hoped, but one step at a time, right?

Now, more than ever, I wished I lived in or closer to Atlanta. I only have one more year that I NEED to be in Athens, so I guess I'll tough it out another year and (possibly) commute that last year, if I am still feeling the pangs to be closer to ATL. It's hard, though, because I feel disconnected from my friends, the salsa crew, and (I can't not admit) now that I have a boo in ATL the desire is ever more strong. I can't remember the last time I did/went to spoken word in the city. I love Word of Mouth here, but I miss hearing the urban poetic voice as well. ...Speaking of poetry, the link of my guest appearance on Fabrice's show hasn't been posted yet. I am not sure when that is going to happen. I am not too anxious about it, I just know (at least) a couple of you have asked to hear it. I will posted the link as soon as it's available.

This week I have to buckle down and get some work done. I have quite a bit looming for the next couple of weeks. [BREATHE] I have to remind myself not to get to stressed about it all. It will all get done and be of good quality. I am feeling particularly convicted about school after church yesterday. (Admittedly, I streamed the church service online -techno age- because I needed to finish my hair, but I am glad I did). the message was about stewardship and working at everything as if for the Lord. Being here, at UGA, is such an incredible blessing and I take it for granted. I have not at ALL been the student that I normally am and want to be. I can make all kinds of excuses for why that is, but truthfully I just need to do better. I honor God with my work, and my heart longs to honor Him. This Sunday's message was just in time for the GMLRC 2011. With less than two months left, I want to be able to write a good report on how the campaign has gone.

I also want to give a special shout out to Andre, who has been such an incredible friend and campaign supporter, despite my negligence of our friendship. I love you, friend! Thank you so much!

Okay, my time is running out. I'll post later in the week with a new WotW courtesy of roomie (who is btw doing the "most" this month. Pray for her!).

Plying Along

A good friend of mine said that I need to return to the discipline of blogging, and I agree with him. I think one thing that will help me with this is changing my post deadline. The way that classes are now, trying to use Wednesday as anchor day is no longer viable. So, you will notice that I changed the column over there --> to simply "Word of the Week." I want and need (for my 101) to keep up the discipline of learning new words and incorporating them into my vocabulary.

I am committing to the end of this year (maybe longer, but baby steps...) to pick back up on my once-a-week posting habits. I actually do miss writing here and want to return to some normalcy. Although, part of my GMLRC 2011 calls for a better focus on school, I also need to ply those things that are outside of school that are important and keep me strong/sane. This blog is one of them.

So, quick updates/check in(s):
*The half-marathon went well. I have been having some serious digestive issues and, as a result, stopped training a few weeks out from the race. The longest that I ran in my training was 6 miles. I was really nervous about the race, because I hadn't gotten to the recommended 75% of the race training that I should have. So, I prepared myself mentally by giving myself permission to walk portions of the race if I felt I couldn't power through. I am happy to report that I was able to run (actually jog) the full race. My time wasn't that great (just a little over a 12 minutes mile, but was more concerned with finishing than doing so quickly. I was crazy sore for the first few days, but recovered soon there after.

*Cool opportunities: I have had some pretty cool opportunities in the past month. [1] I was asked to fill in on a salsa performance. That was pretty cool. I am no where near performance level, but felt super honored that I would even be considered. [2] I was invited to read a set of poems on a radio show here in Athens. I was very nervous about it, but I think it went well. (I'll post a link to the archive of it on the next blog entry, if you are interested). [3] I was invited to speak at church for laity Sunday. Again, not worthy, but humbled by the invitation and opportunity.

*Affection: I had a (longer than it needed to be) separation period from a guy that I was exploring the possibility of dating with. He was a great guy in a lot of respects and will make a pretty cool mark on this world if he persists in pursuing his dreams, but we were not a good fit to be a couple. About a month after the final nail in that coffin had been inserted, I met a guy who, in a lot of different ways, has reminded me that waiting for a compatible match is a worthwhile endeavor. (Not that I had been quick to jump into a relationship before. I mean, come on, I had my 6 year singleversary in August). After a period of getting to know each other we decided to make it official. This is kind of a big deal and kind of not for me. It's kind of a big deal that I have met someone on which to bestow the title I have been so stingy about giving out, and in that I really think he is such a great human being. But not such a big deal that I have any grandiose dreams about it all. I am excited for the journey and plan to fully enjoy it despite what the end game is (be it separation of unionization).

*Friendship: I have been a terrible friend lately. Like this blog, poetry, and a few other things... I let my friendships get pushed aside in the storm of life. I HAVE to do better. My friends are my lifeblood and I need to show them how much they mean to be by continuing to invest in them. GMLRC 2011 has to be holistic!

*Spiritually/Emotionally: I have finally stopped throwing my temper tantrum with God. I had gotten into that little kid's mindset that God's "nos" or withholdings in my life were a sign of how little importance I am to him. I vacillated between that and feeling guilty that I did not have the stick-to-itness to love Him and do right by Him in spite of. It's a whole long and complicated thing, but I am more convinced now than ever before that His love is "steady and unchanging...when I am surrounded, His love carries me." Consequently, I have felt much more at peace about my life and the circumstances surrounding it.

Well, I came back with a vengeance. This post was LOOOOOOOONG. Thanks, KAB, for putting a fire under my bottom.

#Blessed

Brothers and sisters, think of what you were when you were called. Not many of you were wise by human standards; not many were influential; not many were of noble birth. But God chose the foolish things of the world to shame the wise; God chose the weak things of the world to shame the strong. God chose the lowly things of this world and the despised things—and the things that are not—to nullify the things that are, so that no one may boast before him. It is because of him that you are in Christ Jesus, who has become for us wisdom from God—that is, our righteousness, holiness and redemption. Therefore, as it is written: “Let the one who boasts boast in the Lord.”
1 Corinthians 1: 26 -31

God is truly amazing (and sneaky...more on this later). It's always in those times, when I am completely baffled about what He is doing and why He is impressing certain things on me that I encounter just how great the depth of His love is for me and how He never gives up on those that He loves. Tonight, I am just going to enjoy being #blessed, but I am going to write so much more later.

Pinteresting Days

I have been obsessed with pinterest.com lately. It has given me a way to escape from the cares of the world and get all girly. It has been fun. I came across this quote and I really liked it. It encapsulates what I have thought about love for a while, and when (or if) romantic love is a part of my life in the future. I hope it grows into this.

Love is a temporary madness. It erupts like an earthquake and then subsides. And when it subsides you have to make a decision. You have to work out whether your roots have become so entwined together that it is inconceivable that you should ever part. Because this is what love is. Love is not excitement, it is not breathlessness, it is not the promulgation of promises of eternal passion. That is just being “in love” which any of us can convince ourselves we are. Love itself is what is left over when being in love has burned away, and this is both an art and a fortunate accident. Your mother and I had it, we had roots that grew towards each other underground, and when all the pretty blossom had fallen from our branches we found that we were one tree and not two.

Moving out of the slump

I was in a very deep, dark slump, and I needed to find a way to get myself out of it. I had to force myself back out into life, back out into experiencing things.
---Shania Twain

Amen, Shania!

Last week was a particularly unsuccessful running week. I have been progressively slacking on my training. Part of the problem was my inability to "push through" my lack of motivation. It shouldn't have been so surprising, because my life was pretty much paralleling this same problem and last week everything within me just wanted to shut down (physically, mentally, emotionally, literally...)

I am aware of several different influences for these thoughts and feelings. Hormonal imbalances, dissolution of relational connections, general anxiety about the future, people all around me getting boo'd up (when there seems to be no boo in sight for me), and my natural tendency toward pessimism. It has been a cluster bomb of negativity resulting in the current slump.

I thought, fairly seriously, about dropping out of the half-marathon, but decided that quitting wouldn't be productive. So, I determined that I would get up today and run. I was determined to get back on track, to push through the pain. And that is exactly what I did.

As I started my run, I felt good at first. It was nice to get moving and to be out in the beauty of today. About a mile in my body started to fight against me, "What do you think you are doing? I can't do this!" It was screaming at me. "No, you can. At least, I think you can. Let's just see how far you can go." I argued back. There was another mile or two in which I begin to believe my body was right. Then an internal scene reminiscent of Gollum from LOTR started to play itself out in my head. "Who am I kidding, I can't do this... Of course, I can, I am more than a conquerer!... What's the point, even if I am successful today, I am still going to struggle with this again tomorrow... No, every victory will prepare us for each subsequent challenge." This back and forth continued for a while, until that beautiful "runner's high" began to set in. At which point, I felt I could go all day.

After the run was complete, I felt a great sense of accomplishment. Yet, there is a bittersweetness to it all. Today, was one small victory, but I still have a long way to go (as it pertains to readiness for the half-marathon and getting my life back into a good place). The difference is that I was reminded today that I can do it.

I forced my way out of my slump back out into life, back out into experiencing things. It will need to be an ongoing process, and I am determined to see it through.

Your encouragement would also be a great help.

Just Spit it Out

I have been avoiding this blog, because my words have been blocked up in my mind. So indulge me as I freewrite a bit in an attempts to clear some of the cobwebs. I am in a the dip of life, a valley, if you will. Not so much one riddled with sadness, but with nothingness. I am not sure which is worse. Do you ever have those, "what is really happening with my life" moments? That's where I have been for the last month or so, and I guess it is due season for it. I had a really good summer. It was busy, stretching, and insightful, but overall really good. So, it only stands to reason that life seem dull in comparison. The biggest annoyance it all of it, is the mental and emotionally lethargy that accompanies it. You know, that little voice that whispers, "what's the point of making an effort." Then, all I want to do is just lay on the couch or in my bed and do nothing. Man, I sound like I am depressed! ...Maybe I am o_O, Part of my GMLRC2011 is not letting my emotions rule me. So, though I feel tired, weak, and worn...I know that I am more than a conquerer. "And still I rise..." "Free your mind and the rest will follow..." You know all those inspirational things people say to you. Today, I inspire myself, but that doesn't mean I can't get by with a little help from my friends. Thanks for listening (reading).

Refreshed, Renewed, Re-inspired

I am back from Spain. The semester has begun. The world seems more manageable. I am ready for it. Come what may, this will be a good (academic) year. I will start posting regularly again starting tomorrow.
#GMLRCcontinues

Hiatus

I am going to take a brief hiatus from the blog for about a month. This is all a part of the whole GMLRC 2011. I hope to come back with renewed energy and perspective, because (clearly) I have been slacking! #notwinning

I am in search of a sanctum both within and out side of myself.

Freaky Friday: The Plagiarism edition

So, I was anxiety ridden yesterday, all into the night and most of today. Then, not to alleviate my fears, but out of boredom, I decided to see what the message for the day was in my 365 day devotional by Joyce Meyer. I read it intermittently at best, so I know it was by divine appointment that today I decided to crack it open. I am just going to include it below, because why reinvent the wheel?

I had a dream which made me afraid, and the thoughts and imaginations and the visions in my head as I was lying upon my bed troubled and agitated me. ' -Daniel 4:5

In April 2005, many Americans and the world heard about the story of the 'runaway bride,' Jennifer Wilbanks. The thirty-two year old Duluth, GA resident dissapeared just days before her six-hundred-guest wedding was to take place. Her family and fiance, certain she had been kidnapped, pleaded for her safe return, and the missing bride became a national story for the major news media. When she turned up alive, the truth was revealed that the bride-to-be ran because of 'certain fears' that controlled her life.
Most of us would say, 'Well, she should have talked to her fiance or her pastor instead of running away.' But, how many of us easily confront our fears? You may not have physically run away as did Wilbanks, but I bet emotionally there are things you are running from. You're constantly looking over your shoulder trying to keep whatever you're afraid of from catching up with you.
Satan loves causing people to dread and avoid confronting unpleasant issues, because he knows he loses power when his lies are confronted. Even though a lie is not true, it becomes reality for the person who believes it. Don't believe the lies Satan tries to deceive you with."

Metaphorical Monday: Sunshine and Rain

"Joy and pain are like sunshine and rain..." - Frankie Beverly and Maze

Today's weather in Athens finally inspired me to blog. I know, I know and I am smh at myself too! This will be a short post, because sometimes brevity is best.

I exited the dining hall only to discover that is was raining. It really caught me by surprise, because I had been sitting by the window during my meal and as I was reading through articles, enjoying the sunshine and beauty of the day. So, stepping out into rain was the last thing that I expected. Well, actually the last thing I expected was stepping out into a coalition of sunshine and rain.

As, I drove home, I marveled at the rainbow that this juxtaposition had created. I can't tell you the last time I have seen a rainbow, and I had forgotten how beautiful they could be. They are truly majestic indeed.

I always think of rainbows occurring after a storm, but today I am reminded that something beautiful can be produced even in the midst of turmoil.

Perhaps it's a reminder that the languor in my life is temporary.

The Power of a Name

The simple act of naming something, if done with enough power and authority, can be enough to bring it into existence and make it real." -Frank Shaw

I am estivating in reflection and getting my life to a place that I feel is healthy in multiple arenas (physical, emotional, spiritual, etc.) to prepare for entering my third decade of life in a good place. As a result, I have been turning a critical eye to each of those areas and continuing on the GMLRC.

Lately, I have been thinking about, talking about, and (in some cases) obsessing over this whole concept of naming. Just recently, I told someone, "You name those things that you love." Funnily enough, my roommate echoed those same words earlier tonight (that's how I knew this should be my blog post)!

I took a creative writing class in undergrad. The professor was a poet (that was his writing expertise). We engage in many other forms of creative writing, but we spent a good chunk of time on poetry. I didn't pick the class for this purpose. In fact, I had been writing poetry for a number of years at that point, but only for my own emotional outlet and not really in any stylized way. He helped me to really appreciate written poetry for the art that it was. He also said something to me that has stuck with me. He said, this is a paraphrase, "Not giving a name to a poem is like not naming a child. So much love and labor has been put into its creation, how could you not name it?" Now, obviously this statement carries with it an assumption of planned parenthood [not the organization] or even unplanned parenthood that is the result of two people who love one another coming together in love and passion.

It's the same with poetry, for me. There are those pieces that I labor over. They were a twinkling in my eye and I worked at giving them life. A lot of times, their names would come to me even before the actual poem. [Case in point, I have had the name of a poem titled "When I Wake Up in the Mourning" etched in my mind for a few weeks, but it has only just been conceived. I am still nuturing it to the birthing stages]. On the other end of the spectrum, there are those poems that swell inside me without warning and are birthed onto the page. Neither is less precious to me and all deserve names.

The Bible tells us that there is power in words. How much more when those words form the name of someone/something? We see that clearly in the Bible whether it was the name of people, places, or things, God was very purposeful in what he called something/someone and so were His people. It is a point of validation. It says, I recognize you, you are unique, and I want you to be distinguished amongst everything else. My roomie's parents so loved her that they gave her a name that is Greek for Manifestation of God. Talk about distinguishment!

Yes... you name those things you love, and in doing so, you empower their existence.

Know Your Limits

Whatever limits us, we call Fate”
-Ralph Waldo Emerson

I'd like to believe that I am pertinacious in every aspect in my life, but I am realizing that can be a blessing and a curse. Sometimes, there is a blessing in knowing when to let something go. Such is the case with a decision I was on the fence on about a class.

As you noticed from last week, I was getting overwhelmed by life. Life has been good, but BUSY. So, busy that I was seriously starting to stress myself out.

It was not a good look.

The quote by Emerson is so fitting for me right now. I had to face up to the fact that I had exceeded my limit. But, really the process of discovering that was truly fate.

This summer I started an internship, that I love but is very intense. I had originally signed up for 4 classes and had to find time to defend my publishable paper (still working on that one). One class I dropped because it turned out to be very similar to one I had already taken. Yesterday, I made the decision to drop another. It was an intensive with a sizable workload. Alone, it would have been doable, but in conjunction with everything else, I felt like I was fighting just to stay afloat.

The drop date had passed, but roomie reminded me of another option. So, I emailed my teacher, gave her the skinny, and she agreed to let me do a WP (withdraw passing). Praise Him!!!

Nothing can describe the weight that feels lifted off of my shoulders. At first, I was so hesitant, because it felt like "giving up." But, sometimes there is strength in saying, "I just can't do it right now." Especially if you know you can do it better in the future.

The fate part of the process, was that in having this experience it helped me to settle on a decision that I had been waffling on (whether to stay a full-time student to the finish or to start a job after next year). It made me realize that life is short and quality of life is better than quantity of accomplishments, but a full life includes both.

Authentic Interlude

I really want to post tonight. Not only because I feel a commitment to this blog, because I enjoy the time I spend here crafting and sharing my thoughts with the handful of you that take the time to read my blog.

However, I also know that self-care is important, too. I have been going since 6:50 this morning and have a full day ahead of me tomorrow as well. So, I will try to post in the next couple of days. Tonight, I have to do the healthy thing and get some rest.

Until then, LOVE always.

Refined at 29

“And in the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years.”
-Abraham Lincoln

This was a really low key birthday. I had lunch with a friend. Took a nap. Connected with a few family and friends. That's it. I loved it.

I wrote in my last post that I am looking forward to turning 30 and entering that decade of life. I want to enter it with class. So I am making a few commitments to myself about how I want to spend this final year of my 20's. I am not going enumerate a lot of things, because I haven't worked out all the details. I just know I want to enter the next decade more healthy: emotionally, spiritually, physically, and interpersonally.

I do have a couple of projects I want to work on completing by my next birthday. They are:

30 Photos of Promise

This project will be one where I will take pictures of moments, people, or things that are an "indication of what may be expected (promise - dictionary.com)" in my years to come.

30 Poems for 30 Years

This is pretty self explanatory. I am not sure if they should all have a common theme yet. I'll update if I decide to make this more thematic. More so, it gives me a reasonable accountability for continuing to create in this way.

30 Prayers for 30 People

Throughout the year (30x), I am going to commit to pray very intentionally for a person every day for a week. These 30 may be people I already know or encounters that I may have with random people throughout the year.

I am keeping this post short and sweet. So here's to infusing life into this year!

Run, Ginny, Run

I am taking life in stride these days. It seems to be working well.

I love the internship I am in this summer. I am not working with students directly, but I feel a renewed sense of purpose. I guess it helps to know that what I am doing directly affects students in a meaningful way. I'll take that, for now.

I am still day by day traveling this journey of love and patience. I am realizing that boundaries are a necessary part of the process. While they cannot be too rigid, they must be in place.

Classes start soon and I am looking forward to being more engaged in my coursework. I am really hoping to start research for my dissertation. We'll see.

My birthday is coming up soon, yay (I guess). I have never been a big birthday celebrater, but I feel like I should pay particular attention to this coming one. It will be the finale of this crazy decade. I am so over the 20s and looking forward to my 30s. But, I have one more year until I cross over into the first decade of a series of best decades (i am claiming it)! I feel like I should send this one off with purpose. I haven't decided what to do yet. I have been toying with some ideas (mostly inspired by roomie). I'll do a special birthday post with the decision(s). One of my things, for sure, is a commitment to work against the captious nature of my mind.

One big celebration: I ran today for the first time since the 5K. I don't know what it s about completing a race. Maybe I get in my head that I have "arrived" and I don't need to try any more. #false I am running the Peachtree Road Race in less than a month. I needed to get my butt in gear, but these 90 degree days have made me uninspired. Luckily, with the urging of a friend, I got off the couch and laced up again. I was surprised how much I missed it. So, wish me luck for July 4th!!!

Running tonight was just what I needed to re-energize me. I am reposting a poem I wrote a while ago that seems appropriate to this moment:

REJOINING THE RACE

The race is usually won by the swift
But if you’re too quick
You may just miss
The bliss of the journey


My running shoes are waiting expectantly
Tongues hanging out like dogs cooped up inside too long
They want to go out where they belong
And I am finally ready to fulfill their wishes.

My stride is hesitant, but I soon hasten my pace
Stroll, walk, power walk, jog...
The fog starts to lift as my feet carry me forward
My breath catching as my body powers on.

Unknown companions will their bodies alongside me
And I feel life snaking out from my chest
Spreading heat to my cheeks, hands, thighs
As I look to the skies for inspiration.

Quickening my steps, I throw caution to the wind
Then I sprint, no holds barred toward the finish line
Wind whipping around me in a giant congratulatory hug
Raindrops beating their praise against the gravel

Their collisions clapping to the rhythm of my heart,
A momentary interlude to this
Roller coaster of doubt and accomplishment.

As it intermingles with my sweat
I feel the heaviness dripping off of me
The juxtaposition of salt and water
Washing over a healing wound.

It stings, but not like before
I recognize the faintness of the pain
Propelling me through the rain
Further away from the past
Each step bursting into the future

I feel beckoned there
I don’t know what is ahead, but I know its good.
And I won’t stop until I get there.
© 2010

Lessons Learned

So, this has been a crazy two weeks (seems like I am always writing about crazy weeks!). But, this time my reference is to an almost mind-blowingly crazy couple of weeks where God has shown up in my life in ways that He hasn't in awhile. I have had some pretty major disappointments: being extremely hurt by a friend, not getting a job I really/needed wanted, having a car accident... However, I have also had some major blessings: learning incredible lessons in love and patience, getting an even better working opportunity, and being extended such beautiful and overwhelming grace.

Maybe I haven't been attentive/receptive enough or (as is usually the case) this was the right time to be reminded of His faithfulness and incredible guidance in my life. To be reminded that he is the ultimate aegis.

Many "on-time word(s)" came into my life during this time. So, this post will be less my words and more a collection of quotes to sum up the lessons I have learned these past two weeks.

On Disappointments, Patience and Dreams:
"Be still. Get quiet and listen. Let yourself get angry, let yourself get sad. Face the truth; go through the eye of the needle; feel the pain and know that it will slowly fade. The short term pain of facing a truth FAR outweighs the long-term pain of believing a lie." - Mastin Kipp

"We’ve all had major disappointments in life....So, what do we do in the meantime with the feelings that are left over from letdown, heartbreak and disappointment? Well – you have two choices, you can either choose to self-destruct through ramping up your addiction du jour, or you can choose to take the anger, sadness, confusion and disappointment and channel it towards fulfilling your dreams...Using the pain of disappointment to push you even further towards your dreams is a wonderful use of that energy."- Mastin Kipp

If we will be quiet and ready enough, we shall find compensation in every disappointment.” - Henry David Thoreau

The size of your success is measured by the strength of your desire; the size of your dream; and how you handle disappointment along the way.” - Robert Kiyosaki

"Acting on your dreams and expressing your gifts is like planting a seed. I love using this example. The seed has potential already within it. With the proper soil, watering, sunlight and TIME, the seed will blossom.

Especially in Western Society, we are so focused on results and NOW, that we can actually impede our seeds’ growth. Imagine planting a seed in the ground and coming back an hour later, digging it up and wondering why it’s not a fully formed tree yet – and perhaps even getting mad/angry or depressed that it’s 'taking so long'... For me patience is the slow, yet perfect unfolding of my dreams one day at a time. It’s embracing the uneasiness of all the things that are still unsettled in my heart...even if I can’t see it or feel it in this moment. Patience is accepting the present fully as it is and then course correcting. Patience is allowing yourself to make mistakes and then learn from them. Patience is removing the word “should” from your vocabulary and instead, understanding that everything that’s happened in your life has been necessary to teach you...When you cultivate this kind of patience, you leave room for miracles." - Mastin Kipp

Everything that slows us down and forces patience, everything that sets us back into the slow circles of nature, is a help. Gardening is an instrument of grace.” - May Sarton

"[God] gives us dreams, desires and calls us to live them out. Deep down we know that [God] will support us to fulfill our purpose, but many times the opinions of others and the collective whole of society are louder than that still voice within... Stand up (in a loving way) to the naysayers in your life. Train yourself to let that still, calm voice within guiding you into the unknown of your dreams to become louder than the negative voices you hear. Surround yourself with fellow travelers who will support you." - Mastin Kipp ("God has been substituted in the place of "the uni-verse" to illustrate the quotes communication to me)

On Patience and Love:

Patience is accepting your friends, mate and partners exactly where they are with no insistence that they change for you." - Mastin Kipp

"One of the most important facets I've learned about love is unselfishness, which is characterized in the Bible as a willingness to sacrifice one's own wishes for those of others. I've learned that true love will always adapt and adjust to the needs and desires of other people.

It's impossible for people who've truly been reduced to love to be selfish. God has taught them how to be totally adaptable and adjustable to others. Selfish people, on the other hand, have hard hearts. It's very difficult for them to learn anything—especially if it involves self-sacrifice. They expect everyone else to adjust to them and their needs. They simply don't know how to adjust to others without becoming angry or upset.

Learning to adapt and adjust to the needs and desires of others was very difficult...[BUT -emphasis mine] Once you've been reduced to love, you'll have no trouble establishing and maintaining good, healthy relationships with others. Your primary goal in life will be to put the wishes of others before your own. You'll learn that true love is all about sacrifice and selfishness will be a thing of the past." - Joyce Meyers


On Hope:

Hope isn’t free, but anything worth having is worth paying for. You see, hope is the foundation of life and it can teach us valuable lessons if we are willing to learn.

Life without hope is called death.

In the waiting and anticipating phase we can grow stronger in mind, body and spirit if we choose to. We know that what we want is on its way but we just have to finish paying our dues. In the time we spend paying the price for the things we want, a sense of pride is built and character is formed. We grow into the person we need to be in order to receive that which we’ve been longing for.

Don’t rush hope or you’ll ruin it.

Hope deferred isn’t hope denied, so keep paying it forward, for that which you are working towards will soon be yours." - Tony Gaskin

Actually there is so much more (yes and this is all in the past two weeks!), but this is already getting to be too long!!!

Checkout Mastin Kipp's blog The Daily Love .

Love, Jones

Be soft. Do not let the world make you hard. Do not let the pain make you hate. Do not let the bitterness steal your sweetness. Take pride that even though the world may disagree, you still believe it to be a beautiful place."-- Unknown.

Tonight, I finished a painting that I started a couple of months ago. Well, it's kind of finished (explanation following this parenthetical disclaimer). I wanted to add some hair to the guy and fix his nose. I have no delusions of being a true artist, but it was a part of my fung shui journey. I needed a picture of a couple, but didn't have (and wasn't willing to pay for) one, so I decided to make my own (see below - sorry the picture quality isn't so great). After I finished the guy's hair, I got in my head that I wanted to paint the words of 1Corinthians 13 [the love portion] in the background. As I was painting them on the canvas I started to feel convicted.

Two post ago I wrote about patience and love. Since then, I have had some major tests in both areas. While I have had some small victories, I am seriously contemplating if I am #failing in others. Like I mentioned in that post, it is HARD stuff! Anyhow... So, I painted on the words. I stepped back and looked at it and didn't like the way it looked. So I took the brush and painted over the words (hence the erratic brush strokes you see on the painting).


I am a metaphorical thinker, so the symbolism of it all was not lost on me.

No matter how much paint I put on that canvas from this point on those words will always be there. Despite how I felt about their look or fit in my perfect picture (please allow me the liberty to hyperbolize to illustrate the point) they are a part of it.

God calls us to love. Whether we want to "paint" over it with excuses or arguments about how ill equipped we are, the mandate still stands. The world has made us hard. (Or if it is better for me to own it)... The world has made ME hard. So many hurts, slights, and disappointments have made me love shy. Especially when pain is an almost certain outcome of loving.

There are a couple of people right now that I know (at least on the onset) that if I truly commit to loving them, they will assuredly let me down. Because of where they are in life it is a 98% certainty kind of deal. I feel called to love them, but I don't want to. THAT would be uncomfortable for me. However, I know that the best things are not always the easiest things.

I guess if life was always easy, it would be boring. So here is to living. Here's to #winning. Wish me luck!

Dream on, Dreamer

Every great dream begins with a dreamer. Always remember, you have within you the strength, the patience, and the passion to reach for the stars to change the world.”
- Harriet Tubman

I have been coming across these great apothegms lately. Particularly, I have been bombarded with quotes, conversations, and observations about dreams.

I am feeling simultaneously encouraged and discouraged this week.

Discouragements: A job that I thought might be a sure thing for the summer does not seem to be panning out. So, I need to start looking for some part-time work and fast. Also, I recently had to create some distance from a person that was kind of toxic in my life. That is always hard. Loving someone (not in the romantic way [although this applies to that too]) can be really difficult when their "stuff" causes them to hurt you. Even though you can recognize their brokenness in it all, it doesn't negate the wounds you incur. There comes a point where a certain approach to persistent love becomes plain ole' foolishness. I am still learning that people will change in their own timing, and no matter how much I wish it would speed along I have no power over it.

Encouragements: My grandparents have so graciously offered to help me out a bit financially if I cannot find adequate work. I hope it doesn't come to having to take them up on that offer, but it is reassuring to know that help is available. Going back to the intro of this post, I have been inundated with dream reminders. And as I mentioned in my last post, I am starting to recapture the vision of purpose for my life. I have made a commitment to myself to get back on track with all of that this summer. Seeing as how I may not have a job and/or the funds to travel to Atlanta so much, I should have plenty of time to make it happen. I am nervous, but excited knowing that I have within me "the strength, the patience, and the passion to reach for the stars to change the world."

Quixotic Dreascape (II)

All people dream, but not equally. Those who dream by night in the dusty recesses of their mind, wake in the morning to find that it was vanity. But the dreamers of the day are dangerous people, For they dream their dreams with open eyes, And make them come true.
- D.H. Lawrence

Another titular post!

This has been a crazy two weeks, as can be seen by my total failure at staying on task with this blog. I think that I am in a position to get back on track. Spring semester has ended and even though I know summer will bring a rhythm all its own, I am anxious to see what life will look like during this juncture.

But anyhow, that is neither here nor there just an update on why my posting life of late has been a little off.

***

People always joke, "Be careful what you wish/pray for, you just might get it." I KNOW God has a sense of humor, because the two areas in my life where I struggle the most are patience and love (in their truest forms). Sure, I can have patience and wait a day or two (or even a month or year) for some picayune thing, but for something I really desire you can forget it. I start to pout, whine, get angry...you know, throw a tantrum. Love is even more challenging. For the most part, I have the whole being kind to/considerate of/helpful towards others things going pretty well. But don't ask me to truly love someone who has hurt me or that I discern has the ability to do so. Uh-uh, no thanks, I'll keep to my convenient bubble that keeps everyone just out of heart's reach. Loving, true loving, is hard. It requires so much of you.

So here is where God, the Last Comic Standing, comes in. Knowing that I learn my greatest lessons through relationship with other people he sees fit to bring people in my life to answer my prayers in a tangible (and incredibly frustrating) way. Why can't I just pray for patience and love and He embed those things in my heart for an instant fix? [I already know the answer, I just don't like it].

Lately, one person in particular has truly been ripping both my patience and love muscles. God is faithfully rebuilding and strengthening them, but I have discovered that this will be an ultra-marathon. Not a sprint. Not a 10k. Not even a regular marathon, but an ULTRA one.

The training is going to be tough but rewarding.

This person is not only serving a purpose on the interpersonal front, but in the whole of my life. I had/have a vision/passion, that I have continue to lay down and pick back up again, because I have been impatient in its coming to fruition. Its the reason I went to seminary, its the reason I am pursuing a Phd, and it is truly my purpose in life. My impatience gives way to fear and I am so afraid of failure that my efforts have been half-hearted. I know God blessed me to be a quixotic dreamer to, with His help, surmount the insurmountable. But, I have been needing to "see" what it looks like to pursue hard after my dreams. I think He has brought this new friendship to encourage me toward that.

I see the passion and stick-to-itness he has in the pursuit of his dreams and I am reminded that the road maybe be long and (sometimes) lonely, but perseverance can go a long way.

We joked the other day about a word. He referred to himself as a visionary and in my snarky way, I said "You know being a visionary is not necessarily a good thing. A visionary is someone with impracticable dreams."

visionary - given to or characterized by fanciful, not presently workable, or unpractical ideas, views, or schemes

A paraphrase of his response was, Really? Well that's what I meant..

He doesn't even know that I call myself the quixotic dreamer or that I have this blog titled such. Yet, kindred spirits we are.

Oh God, you are so sneaky...

#FAIL!

Word of the week = FAIL
Blog Post = FAIL
GMLRC 2011 = minor set back

I'll do better next week.

From Good to Great: A Quick Interlude

You have to decide what your highest priorities are and have the courage – pleasantly, smilingly, nonapologetically – to say ‘no’ to other things. And the way to do that is by having a bigger ‘yes’ burning inside. The enemy of the ‘best’ is often the ‘good.’

- Stephen Covey

I came across this quote on another blog today. It goes perfectly with my last post, so I thought I'd share.

Instant Gratification: Isaac vs Ishmael

God also said to Abraham, “As for Sarai your wife, you are no longer to call her Sarai; her name will be Sarah. I will bless her and will surely give you a son by her. I will bless her so that she will be the mother of nations; kings of peoples will come from her.” Abraham fell facedown; he laughed and said to himself, “Will a son be born to a man a hundred years old? Will Sarah bear a child at the age of ninety?” And Abraham said to God, “If only Ishmael might live under your blessing!” Then God said, “Yes, but your wife Sarah will bear you a son, and you will call him Isaac. I will establish my covenant with him as an everlasting covenant for his descendants after him. And as for Ishmael, I have heard you: I will surely bless him; I will make him fruitful and will greatly increase his numbers. He will be the father of twelve rulers, and I will make him into a great nation. But my covenant I will establish with Isaac, whom Sarah will bear to you by this time next year.”
Genesis 17: 15-21


I have been particularly introspective these past few days. I think my battle to stay out of the abyss has had me in a state of mental overdrive.

It was almost four years ago, when one of my professors shared a short devotional on Isaac and Ishmael. Actually, I guess it was moreso on Abraham, with particular focus on the Isaac/Ishmael part of his story. It has stuck with me ever since, and it is at times like this when the message is ever so salient. The gist of the message is this:

Don't settle for an Ishmael (or force an Ishmael), when you have been promised an Isaac.

God is not a jocular God. While he has blessed us with humor and joy, he is not prone to tantalize us with promise for sport. When he prepares or hearts and minds for something He will deliver.

Ishmael represents instant gratification. It is a desire in your heart that you corrupt by getting too antsy. Instead of waiting on or working toward the best, you settle/opt for good enough, because it is already in your current reality. God has a way of making us wait for the really good stuff. Sometimes it is to prepare us for it, sometimes it is o test/strengthen our commitment to it, and sometimes it is for a greater purpose that he reveals to us in due time. Whatever the reason, waiting sucks! Even proactive waiting (which is what I believe God usually calls us to) sucks. It can feel like you are striving/preparing/growing for nothing when your promise doesn't come when you hope for it. That is precisely when Ishmael seems so enticing. The wait can be so long that we begin to lose sight of the vision, and we began to think we need to help it along. "Surely this must be the plan," we assure ourselves as we go after our Ishmael.

I have noticed quite a few Ishmaels in my life lately. Some of have been career trajectories, relational interests, recreational activities, and even some social connections. Actually, I noticed them some time ago, but I am just now calling them what they are: Settlements (aka Ishmaels). I am grateful for times like this to be reminded that there is more and with a little time and effort and a lot of patience, the Isaacs of my life will be birthed, despite the fact that it seems like my womb is dried up.


The LORD had said to Abram, “Go from your country, your people and your father’s household to the land I will show you.

I will make you into a great nation,
and I will bless you;
I will make your name great,
and you will be a blessing.
I will bless those who bless you,
and whoever curses you I will curse;
and all peoples on earth
will be blessed through you.

****

After this, the word of the LORD came to Abram in a vision:

Do not be afraid, Abram.
I am your shield,
your very great reward.

But Abram said, “Sovereign LORD, what can you give me since I remain childless..."

[God] took him outside and said, “Look up at the sky and count the stars—if indeed you can count them.” Then he said to him, “So shall your offspring be.”

...Now Sarai, Abram’s wife, had borne him no children. But she had an Egyptian slave named Hagar; so she said to Abram, “The LORD has kept me from having children. Go, sleep with my slave; perhaps I can build a family through her.”

Abram agreed to what Sarai said. So after Abram had been living in Canaan ten years, Sarai his wife took her Egyptian slave Hagar and gave her to her husband to be his wife. He slept with Hagar, and she conceived (Ishmael).

Afternoon Naps

“Guilt is perhaps the most painful companion of death.”
CoCo Chanel

I tried. I really did, but the nap won. #losing I was congratulating myself earlier, because I was getting through the day without any sense of melancholy. You see, today is the 9th anniversary of my sister's death. On this day, 9 years ago, my sister gave up on this world. Even this many years out, the pain of it stings like a [insert explicit word here]. But, today, I was doing good. Until that dagum nap! During my nap I had a dream. It went a little something like this:

My sister and I were headed out to the car. I had climbed into the passenger side, but she hadn't gotten in quite yet. As she was walking around to her side of the car, I heard her yelp. I looked up and there was a bear and a tiger circling the car. At first, I was frozen in fear. Then my brain went into overdrive thinking, "What can I do to help her?"

I could see that she was thinking too. She seemed as if she was going to run, but realized it would be in vain. I thought, "what if I rolled down the window and made a ruckus to get their attention off of her and on to me, so she could escape." I tried but the window didn't budge.

By some miracle of fate she made it over to the driver's side door. She tried it and found that it was locked. I got caught up in the seatbelt as I attempted to reach over and unlock it. By the time I had freed myself, the bear was right up on her. She was unharmed when I went to press the unlock button. I pressed the button and nothing happened.

I was eventually able to manually unlock the door, but the bear had gotten hold of her. I pushed open the door and grabbed her. She was caught in the vice of the bear. I was yanking her frantically to get her into the car. She was yelling. At one point, the bear loosened its grip enough that I was able to pull her into the car and she somehow managed to close the door. "Are you okay?!" I screamed. She was breathing heavily, but didn't say anything. Then I noticed she was bleeding profusely from her left side. It wasn't long after that that she lost conscious and slumped down into her seat.

I awoke with a start from my dream feeling extremely heavy. Dagum nap. It's hard because I know that no matter how long I live I will always carry some measure of guilt about my sister's death. Noone has to tell me the staples, "It's not your fault." "You shouldn't feel guilty" etc., etc. I know it all, and 90% of me believes it. Yet, I know that 10% will always remain to torture me.

I think about the last conversation I had with her. I heard the emptiness in her voice, and I remember weeping on my dorm room floor for her happiness. For her heart. I felt so helpless. Like my dream, I knew she was in trouble, but I couldn't seem to help her in time. The mind is a funny thing. It never forgets. It has the a perspicacity that surpasses our consciousness. And it reminds us of those things we try to bury deep down.

There is so much more than the obvious to unpack from that dream, but for for now I'll deal with the surface, and delve deeper when it's not so raw.

Part of me is grateful, for the 10%. I never want to forget. I never want to forget that there are people in this world that are hurting. I never want to forget that I can make a difference, even if its small. I never want to forget the promise I made to live this life abundantly to prove to her (and myself) that, though life can beat you down sometimes, we all have the tenacity to get back up again. I never want to forget...her.

I welcome this pain, but I still curse that dagum nap.

Introversion

I said I would share a poem each week from my poetry month writing exercise. Although, I haven't stayed as on track with that was I would have liked, I have a couple of pieces that I have written that I feel positive about. I have actually been havinga terrible case of writer's block, so maybe revisting some successes will help to get me back on track. This one (see below), I actually performed at an event! It may change with time, but for now let me introduce:

INTROVERSION

This is an intro to my version of the story,
Don’t mistake it for an allegory
Because I am nestled in these words
Tucked in the curves of all the Cs, Ds, and Ss
You won’t have it guess if this is the truth.

See, it started in my youth.
Actually, it started in the womb
In which I was entombed and forced out into this world
Everyone thought I was just a shy little girl,
But honestly,
I just didn’t want to be bothered
Because I was too busy authoring stories in my mind
To find the time to socialize with everyone

And I could carry on for hours
Devoured by the inner workings of my brain
Insanely creating worlds that only I could live in
Refusing to give in to social norms.
I had different forms of pleasure
That I treasured more than fitting in
And making friends was never my top priority
As the majority of my time was spent on imagination
Mental creations of multilayered scenarios
From the ethereal to the very depths of darkness
There was a sharpness in me that had me always slightly on edge

Teetering on the ledge of fantasy and lucidness
Always presenting an elusiveness that kept everyone at bay
Wondering why God made me this way
I really began to hate my introversion
Found it disturbing that I wasn’t quite like everyone else
And I hated myself for being so strange
But I couldn’t seem to change who I was inside
No matter how hard I tried,
I still found the greatest joy in aloneness

So, I started to own this part of who I am
Stopped condemning myself for who I ought to be
And caring of what people thought of me
That’s when I found that I was free to live in harmony
You see,
I can be disarmingly charming when I’m not so packed into a box
And I finally got some social stock and capital
Realizing that actual friends love you, even when you’re "weird"
Your conscious can be clear because they love your quirks
They don’t think that you’re a jerk,
They “get” that you’re an introvert
And they learn to make it work,
Because that
That’s what friends do
Shoot, some of them are introverts too so they really understand
And don’t demand that you change they way that you were made

So I stopped being jaded about it.
No longer doubted that it was a gift from God
That I was odd, but blessed with creativity
The ability to create solar systems with words
I could craft a whole universe in my head alone
And that…
That’s a sign of the throne,
Because God created mankind in His own image
Who am I to pillage his creation with criticism?
Or have cynicism about how he has formed me
And transformed this personality for His glory
And this…
Well, this is just the intro to my version of the story.

GMLRC 2011

"It takes courage to grow up and become who you really are."
~E.E. Cummings

I had a conversation with someone the other day that got me thinking. Just a year ago I was in KY finishing up my time at Asbury, and I was in such a different place in life then (literally and figuratively). By the end of my time there, unhappiness my primary feeling. Partly due to my environment, but mostly because I felt like I had lost myself in so many ways. This past year has been a journey of rediscovery. Some of it has been good, some bad, and I have made mistakes, but I have also had beautiful moments too.

I feel like joy is coursing through my veins once again.

I always bemoan my time in KY, but honestly, I am grateful for it. It was, up to this point, both the best and worst period of my life. God changed my heart in magnificent ways. I didn't realize how much I had grown until I had a chance to be removed from it.

I have recently acquired a new friend, who reminds me constantly of where I have come from. (Its no one that reads this blog - at least not to my knowledge). First, let me say that I care greatly for this person (in case anything that follows seems to suggest otherwise). They are so much like me. It is part of what makes or friendship work. However, part of what makes our friendship difficult is that they are too much like I used to be. Have you ever had this experience? It is so weird how you can "get" someone, but also know that they are on a dangerous pathway because you have traveled it ahead of them.

I am going to resist my tendency to "analyze" someone else and focus on the only person I have the power to change, me. While I have made some changes for the better, I, as I mentioned before, have also lost some important parts of me. Like a recovering amnesiac, fragments of myself have been returning to me. For the most part that has been happening organically. Part of the Get My Life Right Campaign 2011 [GMLRC 2011] (this is the title of my new phase of life) is being more intentional about rediscovering, discovering, and claiming and reclaiming my authentic self.

Eh...

So, it's Tuesday and I am feeling an internal pressure to write this post. I am trying to stay disciplined with a least a post a week. I know once I start to miss one week, 1 will become 2 then 2 --> 3 and so on. So, yeah.

I made the decision this weekend not to go back to Atlanta for at least 3 weeks. There are several reasons for this:

1)Economics: seriously at $50 a tank, traveling back and forth to Atlanta is depleting my funds (and with an upcoming trip to KY and the surprise $600 in summer fees I had not accounted for, I am teetering on financial irresponsibility). Can't have roomie side-eyeing me when I can't pay the rent.

2)Finishing strong: Whenever I run a race, even if I feel dead tired at the end I try to sprint to the finish. This was ingrained in me from my swimming days (its amazing how much that little dash at the end made in results). I need to finish the semester strong. This semester, although it was emotionally better, I was not a very good student :( (going to ATL most weekends doesn't help either). I did not enter this PhD journey with visions of coasting through. So, I stay in Athens to "sprint" to the end.

3)Simplicity: Saying "I need to get my life right" and doing it are two different things. I have been very periphrastic in my approach to actual change. Instead of taking care of some of those things that I needed to in my (physical and emotional) life, I have been running away from them to Atlanta. I'll take the next three weeks to address some of those things (potential blog fodder?)

Oh yeah, and my 30 in 30 is not going very well. I could potentially buckle down and catch up. The original plan was to write a new poem everyday, but yeah... I may take some time this weekend to devote to creative endeavors.

Whimsical Wednesday

What a week!

"But, Ginny, it's only Wednesday," you say.

Well, I am counting the past seven days and it has been nothing short of a roller coaster. From upsetting conversations, disappointments, and forgetfulness to amazing dancing, incredible poetry, and enchanting friends that took the time to connect with me and back again. I feel exhausted. Then, this morning, I took particular umbrage with a classmate and it was just the last straw that sent me over to (what roomie calls) the dark side of the abyss. I took a round trip ride on the struggle bus, for sure!

The second half of the day went considerably better. Spending time with Gloria helped to bring me back to optimism. I am so grateful for friends! However, I have definitely got to get my life right. Maybe Andre was on to something, I may need a personal assistant. Any takers? I can't pay, except in gratitude bucks and hugs. But, what's payment when the happiness of a friend is at stake, right?

In more positive/ sappy news... I have had relationships on the brain lately. Although, school keeps me somewhat busy (except when I am being an uber-slacker SMH), I feel I have more free time now than I had when I was working full-time. I never really had much time to seriously think of dating then, because I knew I couldn't devote much to a relationship. I think having more time on my hands and coming across some pretty cool people since my return to GA, has shifted my focus a bit. Though I am still a terrible commitment-o-phobe, I am opening up to the possibility of companionship. All that being said, it is important to know what you want before traveling down that road. I mean, relationships are hard enough, right?

So, with this post I am going to satisfy two (well, 1 and a half, really) goals of mine. One of my 101 goals is to make a list of what I am looking for/what is important to me in a relationship. Part of that is delineating the things I would like to have in a mate. Also, my plan is to share a poem each week from my 30 in 30/ 1 poem a day for National Poetry month exercise. So, here is a poem I wrote about my future mate. WARNING: This is extra sappy and written whimsically, which is not a poetry style I usually adopt, but this was more for fun than art. Its hallmark, syrupy sweet. Sometimes, you have to not take yourself so seriously! Anyhow, here it is:

BLUEPRINT

A guy that loves fiction, has good diction, and a conviction to change the world
Could easily become the addiction of this girl
There are so many things that I want
(And a few that I need)
Sometimes it’s hard to heed distinguishing between the two
If I only knew, perhaps I would have seen him by now
But I wait patiently and wonder how
Our paths will collide
Or, if he’s already by my side, how he’ll be revealed
In what manner will our fates be sealed?
I catch glimpses of him in passersby and friends
But below is a rough blueprint of him:

I imagine he’ll have a great sense of humor,
Curiosity that grows like a tumor, and the ability to be deep
Now, he can’t be TOO cheap…
But I hope he’s a little frugal

I hope he has an imagination that he lets run wild,
And is willing to share his feelings every once in awhile
I wouldn’t be opposed if he had great style,
But I don’t require it
Or even strongly desire it

Just PLEASE, please let him match
Not be too afraid to attach
And/or be willing to work through his “stuff”
I’m pretty sure that’s not asking too much!
I hope he loves to touch and be affectionate,
Is a good listener, dependable, and extremely patient
I hope he loves to travel so we can trot the globe
And doesn't try to call my Snuggie a robe

I hope he can appreciate the tapestry of humanity
It’d also be really nice if he wasn’t prone to insanity,
Oh, and if he had a particular love for art
He will already have a special place in my heart
I hope he’s adventurous, but smart about danger
I hope he has passion, but can control his anger
And you know what they say about a man that can dance
And what that can do to improve the romance

I really hope he trusts in something bigger than himself
Is willing to be humble and admit when he needs help
I hope he also has a healthy self-esteem
And the go-get-itness to follow his dreams
Now this may be shallow, but he needs to be attractive
And he’d really win my heart if he was somewhat active
Not just physically, but mentally in addition
And when it comes to mistakes, he’ll give himself permission
To be human.

Finally, more than anything, he has to “get” me
Until the day I have him, I will wait patiently

Okay, maybe anxiously!

Dance, Pray, Write...

...and not necessarily in that order.

"A poet is, before anything else, a person who is passionately in love with language." - W. H. Auden

It's the beginning of National Poetry Month and I am taking on the challenge of writing a new poem each day (I got this idea from Deveata) good, bad, and/or ugly. I have a feeling it will be more of the latter two than anything else, but it will be a good challenge. Over the past 7 or 8 months I have been falling in love with poetry all over again. At one point in my life, it had become too much about releasing negative emotions. While there will still be some of that, (poetic therapy is one of the best kinds of therapy) I am doing it more as a dedicated linguaphile than an emo girl these days (lol).

Today is also April Fool's Day, which is in so many ways appropriate for me. Sometimes, I am baffled how I can be so smart and so stupid at the same time. Actually, I won't say that I am stupid, but naive to a fault may be more appropriate. But you know the old adage: Fool me once, shame on you. fool me twice, shame on me. In my youth (yes, I know I am still young) I had some shame on me moments. However, in my wiser days I have learned that once is enough. Doesn't make the shame on you moments easier, but it makes the healing go a lot quicker.

Anyhow, greener pastures and what not...

In about an hour or so, I will be off to salsa the night away. I am looking forward to seeing my salsa family (they are really starting to feel like that lately and I love it).

I had a really good conversation with someone today and he helped me refocus on the importance of prayer (in a very round about way). So, I think this month I will also commit to a more prayerful lifestyle. Lord knows (pun intended) I have been inconsistent, at best, in this area.

So here's too a good month, despite the showers.

The tarantisma of Tuesday, thank goodness for friends

The past few dreary/rainy days gave me a terrible case of tarantisma! It doesn't help that I didn't dance at ll last week and I missed class on Sunday. My body is yearning for a Dile Que No, a Sombrero Doble, a Vacila, SOMETHING!

The good news is that I have some free time this week. My Tuesday/Thursday class has been canceled and I am thinking of heading to Atlanta Wednesday night for some Salsa and staying through the weekend. Yay! School first, though, so I have to make sure that I am uber productive these next couple of days.

One thing that I have been reflecting on today is the awesomeness of my friends. I have truly been blessed to know some of the best people. I am not the kind of person that accrues a large hoard of friends, but I meet lots of people and the ones that stick are precious gems to me. No matter the degree of the relationship, they each enhance my quality of life in a very unique way (I hope they can say the same about me).

So, despite the mania in me for and due to the lack of dance in my life this week, I have much to be happy/thankful/encouraged about.

So, TLC, I answer you this way:
What about your friends - They are AMAZING
Will they stand their ground - YES!
Will they let you down again - Maybe, but friends love through the pain.

#blessed

Metaphorical Monday

Nothing like a little internal conflict to turn a smile down awhile (Yes, this was a pitiful attempt to flip the "turn a frown upside down" phrase).

You know that scene in the beginning of Office Space when the main character is stuck in traffic? He switches to the lane that is moving faster, only to have it slow to a near stop while the lane he just left begins to pick up the pace....I always think of that when I am in a traffic situation, because it seems to be such a truism. In some ways, it has encouraged me to just stick it out in the lane that is moving slowly, knowing that, ultimately, the speed of the lanes are about equal.

Sometimes, staying in the same lane proves to be advantageous. Other times, though, you get closer and find that yours was the lane with the accident in it, that was blocked, or where the spilled contents of some truck or car has fallen. In which case, you think to yourself, why didn't I just get over? The problem is, you rarely know if you are in an advantageous lane or the worst lane until you get right up on the problem. (Except, the occasional case when you see a sign that says "lane closed ahead')

Life works that way sometimes, too. Right now, I am in the thick of it. Only I can't quite make out the sign. Does it warn that the lane is closed or is it telling me that traffic is a little congested and when I can expect to reach my destination? I keep getting that itch to move over, but I am cautious of being caught in the aforementioned conundrum. However, with every passing moment my anxiety grows. What if I make the wrong choice and waste an irretrievable amount of precious time?

Where is that mellifluous voice of reason when I need it?

Salsadelphia/ NASPA

This will be a quick post, because I am off to go salsa dancing in Philly in 15 minutes, but I wanted to keep in the habit of posting each week and including my WWotW (Wednesday Word of the Week).

Last night, I made the impetuous decision to go salsa dancing in Philly for the first, and I am so glad I did, but now I am hooked (thus my current adventure). Despite the fact that everyone was dancing LA style, I had a fun time dusting those moves out of the corners of my brain. I did okay, but I had a really great time (which is what really matters).

I like Philly. a lot. I like that it is so rich with history (despite that fact that a lot of it has direct ties to slavery). The people are friendly enough and the city itself is just... well, cool. I have been giggling the past few days to myself, because one girl at the conference said, "i am surprised at how nice people are in Philly." "Really, why?" I asked. "Well, you know how the say it is the 'City of Brotherly Love? It had gone to being called the 'City of Brotherly Shove' because of a rash a violent crimes that had been taking place."

The "City of Brotherly Shove"?! Hilarious! The people seem to be amazing, though. Maybe this could be a potential job/ home site after graduation... Don't get me wrong, I love Atlanta, but i have to be realistic about how likely I will find the perfect job, just limiting myself to GA.

NASPA has been good, as well. It has renewed in me a fire for this work. I am glad for it, because I was starting to doubt the usefulness of the profession. Things really do work out in the right timing. Well, I have to go dance the night away!!!

Feng Shui: A poetic interlude

Thanks to Andre, I have had Feng Shui on my mind for the past week. I even spent the better part of a couple of days rearranging and reorganizing my bedroom!

It is funny how, when you need to learn/get something, it crops up in various places. It started before Andre, but he provided the articulation through his recent Feng Shui discovery. Then, the night I start to Feng Shui my room, another of my friends posts about Feng Shui-ing her room on Facebook! Since then, some concept of order, de-cluttering, blocking energy, and generally getting my life right has presented itself to me.

Okay I get it... Tonight, I commenced my bedroom Feng Shui. The other day, was focused on rearranging (something I do every 3 or 4 months anyway, but this time with purpose). Today, I began purging. I didn't finish, but my goal is to be done by the time I leave for Spring Break and Philadelphia this weekend.

Last weekend, I had a strong desire to write, but I was crippled by writer's block.

The beginning stages of purging my physical space, tonight, inspired me (I guess there is a little something to this after all...). Here is the first draft of that piece.

FENG SHUI

When a house is clean, so it will be with the heart that resides within it.
Obstruction is the destruction of the soul
And order is the living water that resurrects us
For God is not found in chaos.

I used to believe that the method was in the madness
And with gladness I accepted that creativity was only birthed in chaos
It was the ethos of my poetic soul and I only united paper with pen
When my emotions within could stay bottled up no longer
And the stronger they were, the wetter my parchment with black tears
Swirling, looping, and crossing furiously across a sea of white
I would write because I had to.

My mind had become so cluttered
And, I, a sluggard in true artistry
And the parts of me that longed to break free were buried
Under the mess of wounds and things I had longed for
That belonged more to the past than in the present wasted effort
On those weathered dreams of old blocking the energy
That was longing to burst free through these fingertips
And spoken on these lips.

So, I began to clean house
With fervor I ousted anything that didn’t belong in my sacred space
In unabated haste I powered on until every piece of clutter
Had utterly disappeared, and I felt all I feared slip away
Into the grayness that connects light with darkness
And the starkness of the contrast brought something with it
The present of creativity unhindered
Surrendered to the liberty of a clear mind
Giving me time to find my voice
And to have a choice about how it’s heard
So now, every word I carefully craft
Realizing that
The method is not in the madness
So, with gladness I accept that creativity is not only birthed in chaos
I have a new ethos that allows me to move closer toward authenticity
Toward the simple complexity that exist in me
To etch these words onto these sheets
Freely and without abandon.

Intuitive Dreamimg

"INFJs have uncanny insight into people and situations. They get "feelings" about things and intuitively understand them. As an extreme example, some INFJs report experiences of a psychic nature, such as getting strong feelings about there being a problem with a loved one, and discovering later that they were in a car accident... Because the INFJ has such strong intuitive capabilities, they trust their own instincts above all else. This may result in an INFJ stubborness and tendency to ignore other people's opinions. They believe that they're right... [T]he INFJ [him or herself] does not really understand [her/his] intuition at a level which can be verbalized. Consequently, most INFJs are protective of their inner selves, sharing only what they choose to share when they choose to share it. They are deep, complex individuals, who are quite private and typically difficult to understand. INFJs hold back part of themselves, and can be secretive." www.personalitypages.com

Above is a little snippet from my Myers-Briggs personality profile.

Today, I was ambushed by grogginess and took an impromptu nap. During that nap I dreamed about a decision I have been trying to make. Everything from the dream screams that it is good to decide against it. Now, I find myself at a crossroads. Do I trust the dream and my gut, although I haven't sufficient evidence from any external sources to make the decision?!

For as long as I can remember, I have had dreams that prove themselves to be a fairly accurate reflection of real life. There are times in my life when these types of dreams are more frequent and others when I almost never have them. Sometimes, they are false alarms, but most times they come so close to reality its creepy.

This was the second of its kind in the past couple of months. (I still haven't received confirmation of the accuracy of the first yet or not. I have a feeling --pun intended-- that it will be a slow reveal). However, more often than the dreams, I will have strong intuitive senses about things. Like stated above, I cannot always articulate them, but I know. [Side note: I don't think I am some exceptional person --at least not on account of this trait :) -- because I know that this is common among people who are naturally intuitive. Often their explanations for things will be "I don't know how I know, I just know."

Now, I fancy myself a sagacious person even without this heightened state of intuition. There are a lot of things that I am not proficient in, but I usually have an astute sense about most things. So, this dream, paired with my own reflections on this decision, makes me give serious thought to deciding against it. Part of me thinks I should be more "sensing" (if I can borrow Myers-Briggs language) and gather more information first; which I may, if I can discern whether prolonging the process would be more beneficial than detrimental.

I don't want to fall into my natural tendency to trust my gut over all else (even though its usually right, lol!).