Letters From My Past

It is by no means an irrational fancy that, in a future existence, we shall look upon what we think our present existence, as a dream.”  

― Edgar Allan Poe

Two years ago, I scheduled an email to be sent to me, from me, a year from that time.  About a year later, I began checking my email for the letter to no avail. "Future me is a scam!" I exclaimed (to no one). So, I was annoyed at futureme.org, because it hadn't sent me the email I set for it to send me a year later. Turns out, I was the problem. I had set it out for 2 years not one (smh). It worked out great, though, because I received my future me email today. It was both interesting and encouraging to read. I am including it (unedited o_O) below!

The following is an e-mail from the past, composed 1 year, 11 months and 30 days ago, on November 06, 2010. It is being delivered from the past through FutureMe.org

Dear FutureMe,

It's one year later and if you are not happier than you are right now I want you to slap us in the face and then get a recommendation for and call the best therapist there is in town, but this is starting to get ridiculous!!!

I don't expect you to be completely sure of your self, but you are almost six months away from 30 and too old to still be trying to figure EVERYTHING in your life out. Don't worry, I am giving us some grace. If you just have 15 of the 10,000 things you are trying to figure out right now, then I am future casting you some happiness.

So are we dating now? Six years is way too long of a dating drought. If not, you officially have my permission to explore by any means necessary: dating site, mail order husband, reality TV (okay scratch that last one, I don't want an even future us still suffering the embarrassment of that!). However, keep your standards high, continue to be a hopeless romantic, but be a little bit more realistic - our future husband may only be on his way to perfection when you meet him. Travel with him there (cause let's be honest our ETA at perfection is TBD)!

If you haven't talk to them in a while reconnect with the people who were important to you a year ago: KY- NSmith, KPaulus, MNoble, KTate, IJordan, and JShearer. You committed (I just did it) in your mind to maintain those relationships. So, honor my wishes!

Finally, remember to relax. You are only 29. Jesus didn't really start his ministry until he was 30. GBarbara didn't start her career until she was 35. MNoble didn't start her family until she was 35. Countless other people reached the milestones: career, marriage, family later in life and you respect and admire those people. Why should you be any different? However, that doesn't let you off the hook of pursuing what you are involved in at the moment with excellence. Make me look good!

GMJ

Fairytales and Life

Post coming soon...

Prelims.

That's all I have the strength to type.

On Why Laughter is the Best Medicine and I Need to Start Running Again

Laughter gives us distance. It allows us to step back from an event, deal with it and then move on." -- Bob Newhart 

Life is absurd. It is absolutely, ridiculously absurd.  If you think of it as anything less, then you need to look a little harder.

These past few weeks have been crazy, full of major ups and some downs.... I wouldn't change a thing—okay, maybe one or two things, but I'm trying to make a point here. I think I keep waiting for my life to be, even feel, normal; however, the realization that there is no such thing as a normal life is becoming clearer and clearer to me. The goal now is to become okay with that.

These past few days I have been tightroping across the abyss.  Every now and then, I would slip off, catch myself by my fingers, and dangle there wondering whether to let go or climb back up. A few times, I have willed myself back on to the rope and propelled myself in motion toward solid ground. The following cycle began: slip, fall, dangle, decide, get up, move forward, repeat. Sometimes the path to the other side is wrought with slip-ups, but I am getting there.

I love comedy. I love podcasts about comedy. I love laughing. If there is one thing that has never failed me in this world, it is laughter. It has been my friend and comforter. It was my defense against being a weird little kid. "If I can make them laugh, I can make them like me," was my motto. So, I became the ham, the clown, the comedienne. It worked for me; it worked, because in a world full of pain, laughter is the most soothing salve. Finding humor in the horrible has literally saved my life on a couple of occasions. Lately, it has been keeping me sane.

So, yeah, laugh; nothing beats it.

Running. I still am not a person who is in love with running, but what I do love are the endorphins and physical benefits it produces. I got really lazy this Spring about running (and other things, but let's not get into that). Everyday, I say "today I will lace up my shoes and run again." Everyday, I do not run. SMDH!  Plus, all my clothes are fitting more snuggly than I would like and I refuse to buy new ones. Though life is crazy, with school, I need to run. So, sorry there was no super profound reason for needing to run more other than general health (physical and psychological).

I'm almost to the other side of the abyss. A little cheering on would be nice. I'm just sayin'.

On Being Perfect

Have no fear of perfection—you'll never reach it" - Salvador Dali

Um, Dali is one of my absolute favorite artists (maybe I'll write a post about him and why). I am so grateful to ex-roomie for going with me to see his work in Atlanta about a year ago. At present, I am avoiding doing the schoolwork I need to do by trolling blogs that I follow. I really felt the need to write, but didn't have anything to share. Then, I went to my iGoogle homepage (which is going away soon apparently :( ) and one of the quotes of the day was from Dali. How could my heart refuse?

I can try to slice it any way that I want, but I am tired of the facade; I am weird.  I constantly feel out of place anywhere that I am. I never know the right thing to say or do, and I often end up standing around awkwardly and/or engaging in awkward conversation with some poor sap that has taken it upon him or herself to coax my awkward self out of my shell. I hate it. Like, really hate it.  Like if I had one wish from a genie in a bottle it would be that I would no longer be awkward.

Don't get me wrong, I don't want to change the way I think about things or the essential parts of my personality. I am pretty happy with who I am as a person, save for this—sometimes massively—distracting quality. When I get comfortable with a person, like really comfortable with a person, I am fine. I can be gregarious, witty, engaging, and extra-talkative (just ask ex-roomie, Shannon, or Nae). But, if I am in a crowd of people (even people I know), it's like I never learned how to interact with human people. o_O

At the heart of the matter is a desire for perfection. My mind is usually teeming with ideas and interesting things to say, but when I am around unfamiliar people, I am so afraid of making a faux pas that I become paralyzed with awkwardness. What if I say the wrong thing? What if I don't know as much as I think I do about this one subject? What if my voice sounds weird? What if, what if, what if... This is my inner dialogue in most situations, and it's a problem; however, I don't know how to change it.

So, how do I "have no fear of perfection?" Perhaps knowing I'll never reach it, and that what I have to offer is good enough.

On marriage, dating, and friendship

It is not a lack of love, but a lack of friendship that makes unhappy marriages.” ― Friedrich Nietzsche

Marriage, uh, yeah, what is it good for? Absolutely nothing? Marriage... war... why quibble over words? I feel like people who have gone through either and come out on the other end have a similar story, wounds and PTSD.

Don't get me wrong, I look at my grandparents who have been married for 59 years I think, "surely there is some merit to this thing." More often than not, I just hear one sad tale after another of estrangement, fighting, or even just general apathy towards marriage. What is that about? It's made me so cynical that I can't help look at some of my friends' young marriages and try to guess the expiration date.

This post isn't coming out of thin air; a friend of mine is recently divorced and hearing him talk about it has started my mind reeling. What is the purpose of marriage? (I actually Googled this and there is a website, purposeofmarriage.org. It didn't quite give me what I was looking for, though). M. Gallagher wrote a paper titled What Marriage is For? The Public Purposes of Marriage Law on www.marriagedebate.com. She talks about marriage being a protection for children and describes the gains of children raised in homes in which their parents were married over those who don't. She also talks about how, because of what it has come to mean symbolically in our society, it legitimizes love and commitment. Thus, single people gauge their commitment levels against marriage.

I guess I can buy some of that.  I don't know that that is the way it should be, but what can you do? Does marriage make our society better? Perhaps, when it works. There seems to be all of this evidence of the benefits of marriage on both physical and emotional health. When it works. So, why is it, that after so many years of marriage as an institution, less and less people are getting it right?

These days I feel decreasingly desirous of it.

Dating is a whole other beast. Do you date around? Are you a serial monogamist? What about friends with benefits?  Now a days, it is harder and harder to make a meaningful connection with someone, in terms of dating. It's the paradox of choice. There is just way too much access to too many people and under such circumstances, how can a person possibly make a decision that they feel wholly satisfied with? People like to say the quote, "saying yes to one thing means saying no to something else." When it comes to dating, though, saying yes to one person could be saying no to hundreds of others. What if one of those others was a better choice?

I worry about that a lot. What if I choose someone and then an amazing person comes along? God, that sounds awful, but allow me a moment of authenticity. I am not the kind of person who would break up with someone for someone else. I like to honor my commitments unless there is an actual problem. But, that would be a tortuous situation. I also worry about it in the reverse. I think I am a pretty cool person. I am a pretty awesome girlfriend: loving, encouraging, affectionate, fun... I am not the most beautiful, but I am easy on the eyes. But, there are also lots and lots of super hot girls out there,and some of them actually have great personalities. Oh, and,  did I mention, they are getting younger and younger.

So, what is the purpose of dating? To lead to marriage? If so, and marriage seems to be breaking down as a successful endeavor, save for the lucky few, why do we do it? Perhaps to not be alone?

Friendship is pretty awesome.  I wish it, in itself, could be enough; however, you can't sleep with your friends, not successfully, at least. It would irrevocably change the friendship. I am speaking from what I have heard not experience, thank goodness. Plus, most of my good friends are girls. So, there's that. More power to women who love women in that way, but it's not for me.

Friendship is powerful and the salve to your wounds from the aforementioned relationship breakdowns.     And, if a lack of it makes unhappy marriages, as Nietzche says, then it's the greatest investment of all, right?

I may never be a wife. I am sure I'll be someone's girlfriend again, at some point. A friend, though, I can and will be forever for all that will let me.

A Match Made in Podcast?

Soulmates are people who have locks that fit our keys, and keys that fit our locks. When we feel safe enough to open the locks, our truest selves step out and we can be completely and honestly who we are; we can be loved for who we are and not for who we are pretending to be. Each soulmate unveils the best part of the other. No matter what else goes wrong around us, with them we are safe in our own paradise. Our soulmates are people who share our deepest longings, our sense of direction....Our soulmates are the ones that make life come to life. - paraphrased to encompass more than one soulmate, but the quote is from Richard Bach

       
At this point in time, anyone who knows me, knows how much I LOVE podcasts. One of my favorites is You Made it Weird with Pete Holmes. (Andre, if you haven't checked it out yet, you're missing out).

Recently, I made a connection with a guy who mentioned YMiW as one of his favorite podcasts. That among other facts about him, made me think, "I need to know this guy." I honestly just wanted to tell him that I thought he was pretty cool. Little did I know how awesome he actually was. I wasn't ready. I have since discovered, and am convinced that he is one of the best people on earth. Who is this mystery man, you ask? My dad.

Okay, not really. However, he is an awesome guy that I've met and befriended. I have been blessed lately to have some wonderful people in my life, for example (now ex-) roomie and Shannon Dean; however, there are only a few people in this world that I've met and felt like our souls were made to connect; a couple of those people actually read this blog (I am not sure why, though!).  Nae has definitely been one of those people. She is my sister, my best friend, and my soulmate; I am so sad to see her go off to Afghanistan. Andre has also been one of those people—though we don't hang out much any more—who I feel was destined to be my friend. And now, only time will tell if this new person is a lifelong friend or merely a seasonal reminder of the depth and possibility of human connection.

Who knew that a podcast had so much power?!

Eh...

I think I have lost my zeal for blogging. :( I have been out of class for a couple of weeks now. So, I have had considerably more free time. However, when I think about coming here to write nothing really inspires me.

*shrug*

Yet, I want this to be a discipline. It's good for me to write for a few reasons:
1) It is good to get some things out of my head
2) I am much more thoughtful about things when I write them out
3) If I ever have kids, they have some way of connecting to this time in my life
4) why ask why, drink bud dry?....

A couple of updates and then regular posting will resume in a couple of days:
- I was asked to be the featured poet at the poetry reading I go to every month!!!!!! I will feature in November, yay!
-I leave in less than two weeks to go on my very first cruise with my very best friend, Nae!
-Just before the cruise, I am going to the 3-day Cuban Salsa Party  (http://www.salsatlanta10.com/)

Life is good for me. There is always some unpleasantness going on in life, but today I realize that i am blessed beyond measure.

Letters From My Past Self

So Many Things to Write, so Little Time...

I promise I am coming back, but I have to take care of some stuff first. I have read some amazing things that I wish I could take the time to write about right now, but there just isn't the time. Even now, I have to awaken in five hours to go to work and I have at least three more things to do before I can think about sleep.

I offer that not to incite pity, but to stir up compassion in my absenteeism on this blog of late. In the words one of the greats, the Terminator, "I'll be back."

Yep.

You should date a girl who reads. Date a girl who reads. Date a girl who spends her money on books instead of clothes, who has problems with closet space because she has too many books. Date a girl who has a list of books she wants to read, who has had a library card since she was twelve.

Find a girl who reads. You’ll know that she does because she will always have an unread book in her bag. She’s the one lovingly looking over the shelves in the bookstore, the one who quietly cries out when she has found the book she wants. You see that weird chick sniffing the pages of an old book in a secondhand book shop? That’s the reader. They can never resist smelling the pages, especially when they are yellow and worn.

She’s the girl reading while waiting in that coffee shop down the street. If you take a peek at her mug, the non-dairy creamer is floating on top because she’s kind of engrossed already. Lost in a world of the author’s making. Sit down. She might give you a glare, as most girls who read do not like to be interrupted. Ask her if she likes the book.

Buy her another cup of coffee.

Let her know what you really think of Murakami. See if she got through the first chapter of Fellowship. Understand that if she says she understood James Joyce’s Ulysses she’s just saying that to sound intelligent. Ask her if she loves Alice or she would like to be Alice.

It’s easy to date a girl who reads. Give her books for her birthday, for Christmas, for anniversaries. Give her the gift of words, in poetry and in song. Give her Neruda, Pound, Sexton, Cummings. Let her know that you understand that words are love. Understand that she knows the difference between books and reality but by god, she’s going to try to make her life a little like her favorite book. It will never be your fault if she does.

She has to give it a shot somehow.

Lie to her. If she understands syntax, she will understand your need to lie. Behind words are other things: motivation, value, nuance, dialogue. It will not be the end of the world.

Fail her. Because a girl who reads knows that failure always leads up to the climax. Because girls who read understand that all things must come to end, but that you can always write a sequel. That you can begin again and again and still be the hero. That life is meant to have a villain or two.

Why be frightened of everything that you are not? Girls who read understand that people, like characters, develop. Except in the Twilight series.

If you find a girl who reads, keep her close. When you find her up at 2 AM clutching a book to her chest and weeping, make her a cup of tea and hold her. You may lose her for a couple of hours but she will always come back to you. She’ll talk as if the characters in the book are real, because for a while, they always are.

You will propose on a hot air balloon. Or during a rock concert. Or very casually next time she’s sick. Over Skype.

You will smile so hard you will wonder why your heart hasn’t burst and bled out all over your chest yet. You will write the story of your lives, have kids with strange names and even stranger tastes. She will introduce your children to the Cat in the Hat and Aslan, maybe in the same day. You will walk the winters of your old age together and she will recite Keats under her breath while you shake the snow off your boots.

Date a girl who reads because you deserve it. You deserve a girl who can give you the most colorful life imaginable. If you can only give her monotony, and stale hours and half-baked proposals, then you’re better off alone. If you want the world and the worlds beyond it, date a girl who reads.

Or better yet, date a girl who writes.”

― Rosemarie Urquico

Good Night

Tonight was really good. I got back on the stage after what seemed like a very long hiatus. It was so good; so energizing.

More importantly, I got to hear a lot of poems and poets. Some were good, some were bad, and some blew my socks off. All, however, were genuine and evocative. I was reminded tonight that we all have a need to express our inner selves. Some do it through poetry, some through, dance, some through music, some through straight up conversation, and so many other ways. It doesn't matter how erudite you are, we all want to contribute something of meaning and value to this world. And, we all have something to give. I am grateful for the brave souls who gave tonight in their own way.

Yes, tonight was a good night. A good night, indeed.

All That and A Bag of Chips

Yes, you read that right. This week, I am bringing back sayings from antiquity!

I have been insatiable these past few weeks. Seriously, I have been eating everything in sight and when I am not eating something, I am thinking about eating something (Even now I am fantasizing about some chips I have downstairs, smh). I joked to someone the other day that I am glad I am not in any danger of being pregnant or I'd be worried!

All jokes aside, I am not sure what's going on with my appetite. Am I emotionally eating? I don't know. I haven't felt particularly emotional lately. In fact, I haven't really felt much of anything. Maybe that is the problem. I am, however, starting to see it show up in places (O_o).

One of my goals is to enter my 30s in a healthy place in most areas of my life. I also have some very specific fitness goals for my 101 in 1001, so maybe it's time I got really serious about all of that.

Beginning February 1st, I will be committing to body health. I give myself a tangible goal of one month of healthy behaviors and will extend that out as I can. But, for now I am going to get those chips!

Poetry Made a Radio Star

...um... not really, but here is the link to the reading I did on the UGA radio station last year. They put this really weird jazz music over it. It really changes the cadence and tone of most of the poems :-/ . I kind of hate that, but I was super grateful for the opportunity.

Also, I just want to apologize to all of you that know me in real life. Listening to my voice over the radio makes me cringe. Why do I sound like that?!  Geez.

Well, anyway, here is the link: http://www.divshare.com/download/15900085-dd8   My segment can be found starting about the 47 minutes mark until the 68 minute mark. There is also a really awkward conversation interlude in the middle.

I promised I'd put it up, so there it is. I PROMISE I will not be offended if you don't listen to it or if you listen to some of it, but not all.

I Have Been Crowned

Woe to you, teachers of the law and Pharisees, you hypocrites! You are like whitewashed tombs, which look beautiful on the outside but on the inside are full of dead men's bones and everything unclean. - Matthew 23:27

Today, I got a crown on one of my teeth. Don't worry I will avoid TMI, but the whole process got me thinking about "whitewashed tombs."

In the Bible, Jesus likened the Pharisees to whitewashed tombs. They presented a righteousness to the world, but they were not clean on the inside.

Crowns (dental crowns) are different. Dental crowns are used to protect what is left of a broken or decayed tooth from being damaged further. They form a shield over the tooth and help that tooth to serve it's purpose within the mouth. [side note: I promise I did not set out for this post to be a religious one, but it's trying to preach on its own].

My focus for this year is to live a life that is authentic to who I  truly am: flaws, quirks, oddities and all. To fight the urge to "put on" a self that I feel like will win me affection if it means denying who I am. But, I also don't want to be a broken or rotten person. I have growth areas that need to be addressed. In some areas of my life, I do need to put on new ways of being. Not to deny who I am, but to better showcase it. Being true to one's self does not give license to be any kind of way.

There is a core that I need to preserve, but some other things that need to be filed away and replaced with sturdier material.

I guess what I am saying is that I learned a lesson at the dentist today. Sometimes, you need to crown yourself: protect your core and cover yourself in strength. So, the GMLRC for 2012 is proving that I can. I think it is a propitious striving.

I, too, Have Decided

So, keeping in step with my new focus for this blog, I am not only going to envisage the ways that I am can live the life I imagined, but I am going to claim and start doing the things that allow that to happen. I really want to make some headway on my 101 things list. So, each week I will commit to working on/toward and/or completing one or two of the things listed there (see list on the right hand side).

My sweet, sweet aunt got me an acoustic guitar for Christmas (#blessed)! So, one of the goals, which will be a progressive one, is learning how to play this thing (#77). I plan to begin formal (paid) lessons in February, but my goals this month is to start getting comfortable with the instrument. I have been YouTubing videos about this a little bit since the new year began, and think it would be good to get into that practice before I start formally. Perhaps by the end of the semester, I'll be able to play a song or two!

The other thing (#71) is that I really need to start learning more about politics. It's a presidential election year and I want to make an informed choice when I go to the polls. Hmm... now where to begin?!

I will chronicle the journey as it unfolds.

Until next time,

Saying Farewell in 2012

Being proactive is not a mysterious quality that we have, or don’t have. It is a way of dealing with things, that we can develop and strengthen. ProactiveChange.com

It has taken a while for me to post here this year, because I have been trying to figure out what I want this blog to be this year. And, if it weren't for Andre I probably wouldn't have posted for a while (You rock!).

I successfully posted every month last year (one of the 101 goals) and I am trying to decide if I want to continue that through 2012. If so, I want it to be a little different. I think self-reflection is a good discipline and I like have a medium of sharing some aspects of my life with my friends that I don't get to talk to and/or see very often. So, I will definitely update periodically with that kind of thing, but I think this year I want to say farewell to just focusing on life as it unfolds.

I'd like this blog to be more proactive. What I mean by that is I want this to be a reflection of a life well lived and a way to put out into the atmosphere those things that I hope to gain, accomplish, do and be. I don't want to just write about what has happened or my reflections (Lord knows I have the introspection thing down to a science!).

No, this congé of the old blog (and consequently way of being) is my first movement toward a more enriching life experience. This year, I have plans to accomplish a lot more on my 101 list (thanks again to roomie for the encouragement to craft it) and in addition to that to take more risk. Life is for the living right?

I don't want to live a life where things are just happening to me. I have been given the power (we all have) to be the co-author of my life (God's the other author, of course). So, this blog be different. I will write more about accomplishing my 101 and living a more "take charge" life.