Revelational Treadings

............. This summer has been extremely eye-opening for me. It has been one of the hardest summers emotionally for me. It looks to be rounding off this past year (I am still measuring my years by the school calendar). I have been feeling this motivational listlessness about my life that I cannot seem to shake. A cloud of depression swarming around me through which my sight is unable to penetrate.

I have dreams and visions for my future. There are things that I want to see and do and I look forward to them, so I know I am not hopeless. Why is it then, that some days I fantasize about all the ways that death could take me? How much easier it would all seem to have it all go away?

If someone has happened to stumble upon this blog, I don't want you to fret that I am suicidal. I assure I am not. My life just seems so dead lately its hard not to be on the cusp of death's reality. I thought a big part of my emotional distress was the result of the end of a too long drawn out emotional attachment that I had with someone that was cut off a few months ago. While it has been hard, I know now that it was only the beginning of a process of re-examining my life.

I have begun to question everything. How do I reconcile my passions? How will I fulfill the visions I have been given of my future? Do I ever want to marry? Do I ever want children? Is it terrible that I am not sure I want to be tied down by either? Who will I be? Who am I now?

I have been studying for the GRE this entire summer. I take the test exactly two weeks from today. I am not sure how I will do. I feel I should be more stressed about it, but lately I don't care. Not because I don't realize that it is an important part of the PhD endeavor, trust me I am all too aware of that, but I am not so sure that now is the right time for a PhD. I had a great conversation with some friends the other day, and I realize that my big push for a PhD right now is this external pressure to be at a certain place in my life. I began to think things like, "I better get into a program soon, or I'll look up and be 35 before I get a PhD!" As if! (Yes, I brought that saying out of antiquity). There has been this imaginary trajectory that I felt I needed to be on, and I am just now seeing how ridiculous that can be. So what if I don't settle into my career until later in life? Some people go their whole lives without doing what they love. I really want to experience the abundant life Christ proclaims that He came so we could have. Yet, I am wasting my life away mourning what I feel I should be doing at this time in my life and I don't even know that I believe it! Something has changed within me. So, I am going to take the GRE and hope that I make great scores so that I won't have to take it again when the time is right, but if I don't I won't spill any tears.

Something else has resurfaced for me, that may very well be my next move. It's exciting and scary. I am still a little uncertain, so I won't mention it just yet. However, if you are reading this, whether you know me or not pray for me, wish me luck, or whatever you do to send some positive clarifying energy my way. I'll post more as things develop. Until then...