I really wish I was less of a thinking man and more of a fool not afraid of rejection. -Billy Joel
I have been thinking a lot about love lately. Not just being in love, but the whole-spending-your-life-with-someone thing. Surely this line of thinking is brought on by the recent string of dates I have been on in the past 3 months or so. Okay, let me clarify that comment. I have gone out with a handful of people over the past few months (perhaps "string of dates" is a bit misleading), but it has been an uptick in my usually non-existent dating life!
I decided a couple of months ago that I would be more open to the idea of letting someone into my life. This should be an exciting time for me; I am meeting guys and "putting myself out there" more. Yet, I have felt more frustration and disappointment with the process than anything else. Of course there is the typical stuff: you meet someone and think they are cool, then you spend time with them and realize they have issues that do not mesh with what you can handle as a person. Those experiences can be disappointing and/or frustrating, to be sure. However, the deeper levels of disappointment and frustration I have felt have been with myself.
I am a self-saboteur, the queen of the self-fulfilling prophecy, a get-too-much-in-my-head type of person... because, when I am honest with myself, I know I am scared shitless of intimacy, of letting someone truly see me and then, possibly, reject me. Rejection is at the heart of it all, really. The pain of rejection, both past and anticipated, cripples me in my pursuit of intimacy, partnership, marriage-or-other-such-deep-commitment love. I fear that no one will ever "get" me. (I have written about this in several other blog posts, so I won't rehash it here. Plus, I am planning another post soon called "Leaning into Loneliness" that will get into this a bit more).
Though infrequently, I have met people over my lifetime, kindred spirits, with whom I have felt a genuine connection. I cannot fill a full hand with names of people like that. Of those people, one one has been a romantic interest and someone that I shared an intimate relationship with (not sexual but of the romantic nature).
I have yet to love anyone as deeply as I did that person. He is my unfinished business, and I don't know how to rid myself of him, but that is a whole other thing I won't get into here. However, I recently had a dream that we had gotten back together. As I am a vivid dreamer, It took a while in my conscious state to realize it was not real. In the dream, I felt a sense of completeness, wholeness. Waking and realizing it was not my reality was like experiencing the heartbreak all over again. It made me feel pathetic and ashamed, because I know I have been pining—I have been trying to deny it for some years now, but this little reminders keep cropping up. I mean, I have accomplished quite a bit in my life, but I cannot seem to conquer this.
Not being able to get over that situation has kept me in a constant state of self-sabotage. I want love, but I never want my world turned upside down by love's failing ever again. I don't think I could survive it. I know that sounds dramatic, but seriously, I am 7 years removed from this other situation and, some days, the pain is just as strong as it ever was.
Out of the potential suitors I have encountered over the years, I have only met one or two with whom I could see myself. And, as I am want to do in situations like that, I have gotten in my own way; at the first sign of intimacy either: I flee, persuade myself to stay distant by thinking of all the reasons they would flee if they truly got to know me, and/or his own wounds got in the way. The older I get, I wonder how often that will be the case. Love is a battlefield, and there are a lot of wounded soldiers out there. Will we ever heal enough to partner together for the long haul or will we continue in this dance of advancement and retreat?
I write this post, because I am tired. I am at my wit's end, and I do not know how to change it. Writing has long been my therapy, but I am contemplating seeking some of the traditional kind too. Not just for this, but some other things as well (to be revealed in upcoming blog posts).
In regard to the focus of this post, I contemplate if I am one of the ones condemned to singleness. Don't get me wrong, singleness has some perks that I will be sad to give up, if I ever merge lives with someone. But, for me, I do think singleness will be a condemnation, because when I let myself be truthful and honest the desire of my heart is for deep, enduring romantic love.
I wish I were less of a thinking woman and more a fool not afraid of rejection.
