Anticipate Good Times, Come On!

I tried to begin this post and came up with writer’s block. I know I have reflections on this past year, but I cannot seem to drudge them up. Each attempt brings some clichéd intro with a blinking cursor lingering at the end. One thing I know is that this has been the year of the Debbie Downer, Negative Nancy, Pessimistic Pat, or whatever of moniker you fancy; pick one, I have been them all at some point this year. That reign is coming to an end.

I don’t know when it happened, but somewhere in the course of the year I gave up. Maybe fizzled out is a more appropriate term. I just got tired. (Random aside: I never want to hear someone say, “Are you sick and tired of being sick and tired?” ever again!) Those last couple of years in KY really sucked the life out of me, and I took too much of that emptiness with me to NC and brought it right on to GA. There was an oppression there (spiritual and otherwise) that latched on and has been hard to shake off, and I hadn’t had enough downtime to really feel the weight of it.

This Christmas break has been good. Spending time with family, reconnecting with old friends, and making new ones has revitalized me. I have been reminded that I am no longer in that place (literally and figuratively), and a familiar feeling has found its way back to me. So, I am looking forward to a new year. This is the year of rejuvenation and I welcome it with open arms!!

Things I am looking forward to next year:
• Relationship renewal: God, Friends, Family (most of which has begun already)
• Those items I have pegged to do on my 101 list in 2011 (noted to the right)
• The return of optimism
• Dancing! (always)
• Writing
• Purposeful living

Dare I say, this is the year of Gregarious Ginny? Okay maybe that’s reaching too much. Maybe the year of Genial Ginny is more apt (don’t judge, “G” doesn’t have the best adjectives)!

Am I the Worst One?

I hate when people are dance snobs. A dance snob who is someone who has advanced in their dance skills and they are very selective (to the point of exclusive) with whom they will dance. Oh, be careful not to let them mistakenly think you can dance at their level and offer you an invitation. Eye-rolling, huffs, and puffs abound! It is as if they have forgotten their awkward beginnings and trepidations on the dance floor.

Don't get me wrong. I also do not advocate for the dance martyr either! Dance is about having fun and communicating in a way that doesn't involve words (usually). You should dance with people of equal or superior levels to hone and advance your skills. Likewise, you should dance with those starting out to boost their confidence and (dare I say) humble yourself!


Anyhow, I digressed. What a long intro into the real nature of this post!


Last night, I decided that I wanted to go to dance class. This one studio has two classes back-to-back: a beginner and an intermediate class. I thought going to both would be helpful, as I needed to work on some fundamental issues in the beginner class and need the challenge of the intermediate class.

In the beginner's class I was having to remind myself to not get frustrated with the new guys. They were still finding their voice as leaders and I was (working hard) to remember that.

One guy was clearly struggling to get the moves and lead down. He didn't even have to verbalize it. I could see it in his face. During one particular rotation in the dance his frustration must have reached its pinnacle, because he turned to me with such a look of resignation in his face and asked, "Am I the Worst One?"

Compassion flooded my heart as I looked back at him. I count myself to be an honest person and I even try to avoid little white lies when I can. Truth be told, compared to the other leaders, he was performing the worst. I couldn't find it in myself to confirm his (at that moment) worst fear. So, I just shook my head and we were interrupted by the beginning of the dance. After its completion (thru which he had stumbled) I looked at him and with all the sincerity I could muster, I said, "Don't fret. You really are doing well." I meant it. For where the class was, he was not performing badly at all. His problem (as far as I could discern) was that he was over thinking it and losing confidence with every misstep. I found myself wondering if he chose to direct his question at me because he perceived me to be a dance snob or sympathizing confidant. I hope the latter.

None of the other guys in the class were performing perfectly. They were messing up and misleading too. The difference was that they would just keep moving and pick up where they could jump back in OR they would just shrug it off and try again. They didn't let their dance insecurity plague them.

As I was driving tonight, those words came back to haunt me. "Am I the Worst One?" Man, how I sympathized with that guy! He had verbalized (and non-verbalized for that matter) a perfect summary of my past semester.

Out of my cohort, I was the person with the least experience, had never been to a (respected among that group) national conference, and had (comparatively) lacking social and verbal skills. I was in a constant state of insecurity and conscious of everything I said and did. As a result, I had so many missteps! I usually perform fairly well in presentations and intellectual verbal exchanges. Over the course of the semester I had many opportunities to exercise these skills. However, like a snake that had been lying in wait to catch its prey, fear would strike my tongue resulting in a performance that was mediocre at best.

Some of my missteps and insecurities were fueled by my perception of what would be the equivalence of dance snobs around me. But mostly, it was because I was not giving myself the latitude to acquire a new way of being. I spent the semester plagued with the question, "Am I the Worst One?" Maybe I was, but that doesn't always have to be the case and I can give myself the freedom to stumble through this time. One day, I will have the confidence to not care about the the little stumbles that happen in the midst of great work.

The End is Near

No, this is not an apocalyptic post!

The end of the semester is almost here and I am ready for it. Just a few more assignments and class meetings to go and then...well, hopefully not much! But, I think

I'll make a list of things I would like to do:

1) Sleep until I can't sleep anymore. Get up and eat. Rinse. Repeat.
2) Re-read the Harry Potter series.
3) Evaluate my 101 things list and prioritize what I want to get done in 2011.

I have resolved to find peace in the midst of the emotional storm that has been my life lately. I am tired of being ruled by my emotions and need to, frankly, get it together! If there is one lesson that I have learned this far in life, is that I can endure far more than I can ever imagine.

My world seems turned upside down, but I am still standing. I am defying gravity despite all of this craziness. Oooo...

4)Listen to the Wicked soundtrack

Though, I have been distant from God, I know that he is keeping me. Will I ever truly grasp how wide and long and high and deep the love of Christ is (Ep. 3:18)?

5)Reconnect with God

I am glad to have Salsa in my life again, but I have let my other love (writing) fall to the wayside. It is hard, when you are in school, to find time to write for non-academic purposes. My creativity feels stagnated.

6) Write some new poems and/or a short story (even if they are terrible)!

I need to remind myself to take my victories one step at a time and not focus too much on the future.

7) Be proud to have finished the semester.

I realize that I am in a season of great humility. I am learning a lot about empathy, my own limitations, and that I cannot do it all on my own. I realize I must relinquish control in many different areas. But, I cannot seem to loosen this death grip...

8) Commit to reflecting on the serenity prayer:

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
Taking, as He did, this sinful world
as it is, not as I would have it;
Trusting that He will make all things right
if I surrender to His Will;
That I may be reasonably happy in this life
and supremely happy with Him
Forever in the next.
Amen.

--Reinhold Niebuhr

9) Just breathe.

10) Don't worry. Be Happy.

*Sigh

Riddled with self-doubt. I hope this passes...

The PhD nap

I have fallen prey to the PhD nap. It is a downward spiral, that is difficult to come out of. It all starts with that one extra-long afternoon nap. Next thing you know, you are up until 5 in the morning. Rinse. Repeat. For the next few days, it is a battle to correct my sleep cycle.

Yes, this is where I find myself.

Perhaps it would work more to my advantage if I actually turned those twilight hours into productive work hours. One day I'll get there. For now I am just trying to survive until the end of this semester. If I come out with my head above water (or the covers for that matter) I know I'll be okay.

It's 1:16 am and sleep doesn't seem to be lurking anywhere about. Perhaps tonight I will be a productivity machine. Or maybe I'll just watch Netflix instead!

RANDOM: Writing prompt Exercise #1 [11]

One of my 101 things to do in 1001 days is to complete 20 writing prompts on http://creativewritingprompts.com/. This is my first one.

Directions: Below are three sets of words. Use all the words in each set to write mini stories in 300 words or less.

Set 1: paperclips, principal, lunchbox, swing, girl in pink ribbon.

The girl in the pink ribbon had always been creative. Just before lunch she grabbed a handful of paperclips from her teachers desk. In the cafeteria, surrounded by all of her friends she asked, "Wanna see something cool?" "Yeah!" her friends exclaimed. Linking the paper clips together she made two paperclip chains. She then attached those two chains to either side of her lunchbox. "It's a swing," she said. "Does it work?" asked one of her companions. "Of course it does. Watch!" she replied as she took a chain in each hand. She began to rock the lunchbox back and forth increasing the speed with each swing. Noticing that there was a growing stir in a corner of the cafeteria the principal went over to see what all the commotion was about. "What's going on-" he began but was cutoff when a tuna salad sandwich hit him squarely in the face.

Set 2: biology, class card, foreign student, leaf, blood sample

A leaf that had blown in the open window settled on the class card of the foreign student. It was blood sample day in Biology and each of the students had to put a couple of finger prick samples on their class card for analysis. "Place your cards in the card container and pass them to the front," the teacher instructed. It was then that the foreign student noticed the leaf on his card. Thinking nothing of it, he removed the leaf, placed the card in the holder, and passed his holder to the front of the class.

A couple of weeks later, the Biology teacher announced, "Your results are in! The results tell you your blood type and the different ethnic backgrounds that are strong enough to detect." Excitement rose in the classroom as each student began to receive their results. "Let me see yours!" a couple of students exclaimed to one another. When the teacher arrived at the foreign student he asked to speak to her privately. "You results were most fascinating! It seems you have some traces of Arborean in you. This is quite the discovery, because until now most people believed the ancient tree people to be a myth!" Wanting to poke a little fun with at the teacher the student replied, "Yes, in my country there is an indigenous culture that is directly descendant from the tree people and have the most pure form of the bloodline. My grandfather was one of them." "Oh my, this is very good indeed!" said the teacher excitedly as he rushed out of the room.

"When are you going to tell him you were joking?" a student near the foreign student asked. "When the reporters come," she replied.

Set 3: typewriter, filing cabinet, puncher, clerk, carbon paper, janitor

"Can you put the typewriter on top of the filling cabinet when you are done cleaning it off?" the clerk asked the janitor. The janitor noded. "Okay, well I am leaving for the night then. Don't forget to lock up when you leave!" the clerk yelled out as she exited.

"Don't forget to lock up when you leave!" the janitor muttered mockingly. "When have I ever forgotten to lock up before I left? and when did it become my job to move things around for you?" he continued bitterly. The janitor grabbed a stack of papers off the clerk's desk and wrote on the top sheet, Dear Clerk, I have put up with your nonsense for 15 years. Now its time that I let you know that I know what you do in here when no one is looking. I have been keeping a long list... The janitor then began to enumerate the many embarrassing things about the clerk that he had been privy to over the years. He finished it with Consider this list the next time you ask me to do things outside of my job description!. "Oh how I'd love to leave this waiting for her when she returns in the morning," he said out loud. He then took the top sheet and put it through the shredder. "One day soon she'll get her comeuppances," he sighed. He then moved the typewriter to the filing cabinet and locked the door behind him as he left.

The next day, the clerk instructed the intern to take the blank paper from her desk. "Print the equipment on them. Save the top copy, use the puncher to put holes in them and place them in a notebook. Send the carbon copy out to corporate," she instructed. Doing as was instructed the intern sent the carbon copies off to corporate. Unbeknowst to anyone, the paper the janitor had used the night before was the same paper that was sent to corporate. Later that night, when the janitor went to clean the clerk's office it was empty. "Did she move offices?" the janitor asked the intern. "Oh, you didn't hear?" the intern asked. "She was fired."Smirking, the janitor shut the office door and left it, for the first time, unlocked.

This was fun. It felt good to be creative again, even with silly things. One down 19 to go!

Along Came a Song

Every now and again, a song comes a long at just the right time. In this case, it is more like I have been reintroduced to a song at just the right time. I had a good conversation with my friend, Enuma, over the weekend about my spiritual life. I have been wrestling for a long time with God about a number of different things. This weekend, I finally took some time to revisit what I have been avoiding for so long. There is a journey that I need to take and I am not sure if I am ready. In the midst of my current confusion, I reminded that God is there waiting patiently for me. Today, one of the students I worked with in KY posted a few of the lyrics from this song:

Your Hands by JJ Hellard

I have unanswered prayers
I have trouble I wish wasn't there
And I have asked a thousand ways
That You would take my pain away
That You would take my pain away

I am trying to understand
How to walk this weary land
Make straight the paths that crookedly lie
Oh Lord, before these feet of mine
Oh Lord, before these feet of mine

When my world is shaking
Heaven stands
When my heart is breaking
I never leave Your hands

When You walked upon the Earth
You healed the broken, lost, and hurt
I know You hate to see me cry
One day You will set all things right
Yea, one day You will set all things right

When my world is shaking
Heaven stands
When my heart is breaking
I never leave Your hands

Your hands
Your hands that shape the world
Are holding me, they hold me still
Your hands that shape the world
Are holding me, they hold me still

When my world is shaking
Heaven stands
When my heart is breaking
I never leave You when...

When my world is shaking
Heaven stands
When my heart is breaking
I never leave...
I never leave Your hands

Self-Doubt, Stubbornness, Singleness, and Spirituality

This is the post I have been avoiding and one of the reasons I have been slow to write anything real here. One of my goals was to be more transparent, but like most things, that is easier said/thought than done.

Self-Doubt
Man, I am struggling bad. At least once a day I wonder why I signed up for this stupid PhD. I don't feel equipped. It doesn't help that I have fallen into the trap of comparing myself to others. (We all know what a downward spiral that can be). Everyone else seems so ambitious, so driven, so sure of what they want... My rational mind knows that is not entirely true, but rational doesn't seem to dwell here anymore.
My classes are pretty good. However, I always leave the one I enjoy the most feeling more and more disillusioned about the politics of the profession. I know I am a chronic idealist, but dang people! Really, what am I do here? Am I cut out for this?
It doesn't help that I don't really feel connected to my cohort.
I have made some Salsa friends, but they are just that. So I find myself wondering, how is it that I am so close to home and I feel so relationally disconnected?
I think I know the answer...

Stubbornness
Truth is knocking on my door. It has been trying to get in for the past few weeks. It has been shouting through my windows and I have tried to drown it out. It can no longer be ignored.
I believe I am suffering from a transitional depression. Though, I am so happy to be free from the oppression that was KY, this change has been harder than I anticipated. Even though, this is a totally normal occurrence I still feel shame in my sadness. I of all people know better!
I, who, desires to see the stigma attached to counseling and mental health struggles disappear.
I, who, as a scholar could potentially write a dissertation on the triggers of depression (one common one being life transition - especially for natural pessimist, of which I am definitely one).
I, who, encourages anyone who confides in me to find the strength in his or her willingness to admit when they are struggling.
Yet, here I am in day 26 of telling myself that tomorrow will be the day that I will go see someone. Really? I have been trying to find every other thing to focus on besides the real issue at hand, but no more...

Singleness
The instant cure for alone-ness? I think not. While I do miss sharing life with someone in that way, I am encouraged to find lately that I am not at the place for settling for just anything.
This summer, I finally got "back in the game." After five years of ridiculous rumination, I allowed myself to envision happiness with whoever is awaiting my arrival into his life.
Yummy (a term coined by my roomie) helped with that. I have had the opportunity to get to know and/or reacquaint myself with a couple of people since I have returned to GA. I still continue the search, though. Am I uber picky? Sure. After five years of dating desolation, I believe the next one who gets the title boyfriend has to be on point!
Also, I am at the stage in my life when I am not in the mood for messing around, games, or immaturity. I am ready for romance, passion, but most of all a deep and abiding friendship partner (with whom I can make out of course)! So, until I find him, I am just chillin' and trying to survive this doctoral process.

Spirituality
God is amazing. Even in this time of spiritual struggle for me, I keep seeing glimpses of his love and pursuit of me. He hasn't given up on me yet and that is why I can never truly give up on Him. I just hope, someday soon, I can enjoy the kind of relationship I have had with Him in the past.

101 Things in 1001 days

Here are the 101 things that I hope to accomplish/do in 1001 days [9/21/10 - 6/18/13]. I have grouped them into categories that make the most sense for me. Feel free to join in the fun and create your own as well!

{✔} = things I have completed already!

Here are the 101 things that I hope to accomplish/do in 1001 days [9/21/10 - 6/18/13]. I have grouped them into categories that make the most sense for me. Feel free to join in the fun and create your own as well!

{✔} = things I have completed already!
2011 = things to do in 2011

Fun
1. Visit 5 local restaurants I've never been to 2011
2. Learn a choreographed dance 2011
3. See a comedian live 2011
4. Attend a local theater show 2011
5. Wear false eyelashes {✔}
6. Make a necklace 2011
7. Go on a tropical holiday or cruise
8. Try snowboarding
9. See a film at IMAX {✔}
10. Write a comedy set
11. Write and illustrate a children's book 2011
12. Grow my own tomatoes 2011
13. Spend a day exploring my city 2011
14. Watch a foreign film 2011
15. Watch every episode of the Office {✔}
16. Read Pride and Prejudice {✔}
17. Play bingo {✔}
18. Make homemade pasta 2011
19. Take a tango class 2011
20. Watch 26 movies, each starting with a different letter of the alphabet


Fitness/Health
21. Run a 10K race 2011
22. Do the 200 sit-ups challenge 2011
23. Exercise 30 mins. every day for a month 2011
24. Do a full body detox 2011
25. Get visible abs 2011
26. Run a 5K 2011
27. Buy a new bike 2011
28. Complete the 100 pushups challenge 2011
29. Participate in a triathlon
30. Tone up 2011

Personal
31. Read 5 classic books
32. Write myself a mail via http://www.futureme.org {✔}
33. Keep a diary for a month 2011
34. Create a living will 2011
35. Learn 5 of my poems by heart 2011
36. Make a list of what I'm looking for/ what is important to me in a relationship {✔}
37. Find a scent of incense that invigorates me 2011
38. Don't say anything negative for 1 day 2011
39. Read about confidence and practice it 2011
40. Vote in a local election
41. Journal every day for a month 2011
42. Write a list of inspirational things, one thing for each letter of the alphabet 2011
43. Tweet something {✔}
44. Say yes to 100 things I want to say no to
45. Make and send a postcard to PostSecret 2011
46. Update my blog at least once a month 2011
47. Write a list of 100 things that make me happy 2011
48. Answer the "50 Questions That Will Free Your Mind" {✔}
49. Wash my face every night for a month 2011
50. Take private dance lessons {✔}
51. Draw a self portrait 2011
52. Make a list of 100 things that I am grateful for 2011
53. Find a poem that means something to me 2011
54. Read the entire Bible
55. Improve my grammar / spelling
56. Participate in Operation Beautiful (http://operationbeautiful.com) 2011
57. Complete 20 creative writing prompts. http://creativewritingprompts.com/
58. Write a book of poetry
59. Perform at a Spoken Word event and invite my friends 2011
60. Buy sexy underwear from Victoria's Secret 2011
61. Practice smile therapy for a week 2011
62. Take a yoga class 2011

Nutritional
63. Go vegan for a week 2011
64. No fast food for 6 months 2011
65. Become a vegetarian for a week 2011
66. Drink 8 glasses of water a day for a month 2011
67. Practice the 5-a-day (fruits & veggies) for a month 2011
68. Learn to cook 10 new meals

Educational
69. Learn to play chess 2011 - Thanks to Andre
70. Read a biography 2011
71. Make an effort to learn more about politics before the next election
72. Learn to play a song on the guitar
73. Learn how to say "I love you" in 5 languages 2011
74. Watch 10 documentaries
75. Expand my vocabulary by 100 words
76. Learn to say thank you in 5 languages 2011
77. Learn how to play acoustic guitar
78. Improve Spanish to the point of fluency


Service
79. Complete at least 24 hours of community service
80. Sponsor a child 2011

Interpersonal
81. Host a game night 2011
82. Do something for a person that has made a difference in my life
83. Make two new friends {✔}
84. Learn to play tennis (for my dad) 2011
85. Play tennis with my dad 2011
86. Mend a relationship 2011
87. Picnic in the park 2011
88. Inspire someone else to make their own list {✔}
89. For one year -write an encouraging note to a different friend each month and send it to them 2011
90. Expand my dating horizons {✔}
91. Find a snail mail pen pal 2011
92. Start a collection of board games 2011
93. Strike up a conversation with a stranger {✔}
94. Make Christmas cards for my friends and family 2011
95. Mentor someone 2011
96. Compliment a stranger {✔}
97. Teach a class
98. Dance like there's no tomorrow


Financial
99. Go a week without buying anything 2011
100. Establish an emergency fund 2011
101. Learn more about investing and invest in something

Mind Freedom? The Verdict is Still Out

At the encouragement and example of my roommate TJD, I have decided to do the 101 things in 1001 days challenge. I began my list earlier today and have come up with only 60 things so far (yikes!). When I get the full list completed, I will post it here. I decided I would kick off my 1001 days with one of my one of my 101 things (It is not the most interesting thing, but it was somewhat insightful):

ANSWER THE "50 THINGS THAT WILL FREE YOUR MIND"

These questions have no right or wrong answers.

1. How old would you be if you didn’t know how old you are?
The same age
2. Which is worse, failing or never trying?
failing
3. If life is so short, why do we do so many things we don’t like and like so many things we don’t do?
Because the pain of change is sometimes harder than the pain of staying the same
4. When it’s all said and done, will you have said more than you’ve done?
at the rate I am going now, yes.
5. What is the one thing you’d most like to change about the world?
How people raise their kids
6. If happiness was the national currency, what kind of work would make you rich?
Student Affairs!!!!
7. Are you doing what you believe in, or are you settling for what you are doing?
I am working on being able to do what I believe in
8. If the average human life span was 40 years, how would you live your life differently?
I would love more without abandon
9. To what degree have you actually controlled the course your life has taken?
to a pretty significant degree
10. Are you more worried about doing things right, or doing the right things?
doing things right
11. You’re having lunch with three people you respect and admire. They all start criticizing a close friend of yours, not knowing she is your friend. The criticism is distasteful and unjustified. What do you do?
Tell them that they are misjudging that person
12. If you could offer a newborn child only one piece of advice, what would it be?
Laugh deeply and often
13. Would you break the law to save a loved one?
yes, depending on which law
14. Have you ever seen insanity where you later saw creativity?
all the time
15. What’s something you know you do differently than most people?
relate
16. How come the things that make you happy don’t make everyone happy?
Because we all have our own quirks and nuances
17. What one thing have you not done that you really want to do? What’s holding you back?
Written a book. Fear of failure.
18. Are you holding onto something you need to let go of?
yep, lots of anger. Lots of pain.
19. If you had to move to a state or country besides the one you currently live in, where would you move and why?
Spain, because it is quite possibly the best place on earth.
20. Do you push the elevator button more than once? Do you really believe it makes the elevator faster?
Sometimes. No, but on the off chance...
21. Would you rather be a worried genius or a joyful simpleton?
Well, I am a worried genius now :), so a joyful simpleton
22. Why are you, you?
There aren't enough words to answer this for anyone
23. Have you been the kind of friend you want as a friend?
No :(
24. Which is worse, when a good friend moves away, or losing touch with a good friend who lives right near you?
Losing touch with a good friend that lives right near you
25. What are you most grateful for?
Second, Third, Fourth, etc. chances
26. Would you rather lose all of your old memories, or never be able to make new ones?
Never be able to make new ones
27. Is is possible to know the truth without challenging it first?
No
28. Has your greatest fear ever come true?
Yes, but after it does I generate a new one. So, no?
29. Do you remember that time 5 years ago when you were extremely upset? Does it really matter now?
Yes, the pain of the experience still affects my decisions today
30. What is your happiest childhood memory? What makes it so special?
31. At what time in your recent past have you felt most passionate and alive?
After I finished my last job and over the summer
32. If not now, then when?
never
33. If you haven’t achieved it yet, what do you have to lose?
Hope
34. Have you ever been with someone, said nothing, and walked away feeling like you just had the best conversation ever?
No, but I have had some great silent moments with people
35. Why do religions that support love cause so many wars?
People get to wrapped up in the passion
36. Is it possible to know, without a doubt, what is good and what is evil?
Not on this side of life
37. If you just won a million dollars, would you quit your job?
If I had the job I expect to have, no
38. Would you rather have less work to do, or more work you actually enjoy doing?
More work that I actually enjoy doing
39. Do you feel like you’ve lived this day a hundred times before?
No
40. When was the last time you marched into the dark with only the soft glow of an idea you strongly believed in?
I am still trying to find my way to the other side...
41. If you knew that everyone you know was going to die tomorrow, who would you visit today?
My mom, dad and grandparents
42. Would you be willing to reduce your life expectancy by 10 years to become extremely attractive or famous?
No
43. What is the difference between being alive and truly living?
truly living is following your passions and risking failure
44. When is it time to stop calculating risk and rewards, and just go ahead and do what you know is right?
When you have figured out all the risks and rewards :). When you tire of that.
45. If we learn from our mistakes, why are we always so afraid to make a mistake?
Because, if we can, it is better to learn from the mistakes of others
46. What would you do differently if you knew nobody would judge you?
Speak what is on my mind
47. When was the last time you noticed the sound of your own breathing?
Right now, thanks for that.
48. What do you love? Have any of your recent actions openly expressed this love?
Love. No.
49. In 5 years from now, will you remember what you did yesterday? What about the day before that? Or the day before that?
Probably not
50. Decisions are being made right now. The question is: Are you making them for yourself, or are you letting others make them for you?
I am making them for myself!

Rejoining the Race

My coworker and I have decided to run a half-marathon. Training started this week and I am excited. About 2 1/2 years ago I ran a half with my mom and some friends. I have put on my running shoes rather infrequently since then. There are many reasons why, but the prevailing theme of my life the past few years has been one of listlessness.

I don't know how many times I will say this, but this summer has been really good for me in a lot of ways. I feel like life is coming back to me and I am rediscovering what it is to breathe again. It feels good, but scary.

As I was running today, I began reexamining some of the things from my past that I have let hinder my movement forward and a poem came to me. An inspired moment, I guess. I rarely share my poems before multiple rounds of editing. This one, too, may evolve in time, but for right now it captures it. So here it is:


My running shoes are waiting expectantly
Tongues hanging out like dogs cooped up inside too long
They want to go out where they belong
And I am finally ready to fulfill their wishes.

My stride is hesitant, but I soon hasten my pace
Stroll, walk, power walk, jog...
The fog starts to lift as my feet carry me forward
My breath catching as my body powers on.

Unknown companions will their bodies alongside me
And I feel life snaking out from my chest
Spreading heat to my cheeks, hands, thighs
As I look to the skies for inspiration.

Quickening my steps, I throw caution to the wind
Then I sprint, no holds barred toward the finish line
Wind whipping around me in a giant congratulatory hug
Raindrops beating their praise against the gravel

Their collisions clapping to the rhythm of my heart,
A momentary interlude to this
Roller coaster of doubt and accomplishment.

As it intermingles with my sweat
I feel the heaviness snaking off of me
The juxtaposition of salt and water
Washing over a healing wound.

It stings, but not like before
I recognize the faintness of the pain
Propelling me through the rain
Further away from the past
Each step bursting into the future

I don’t know what is ahead, but I know its good.

And I won’t stop until I get there.


(c) 2010. G. Jones

Secret disService

I have led a very secretive life these past 20+ years. "I am a very private person," I would explain to anyone who dared to scratch the surface. It is true, but why it is true and how tightly I hold on to that identity has encouraged some reevaluation on my part.

I think there is something about this summer that is making me rethink the whole of who I am. I keep hearing the words of my friend, "[ be careful not to define yourself too narrowly ]." In a way, any definition we have of ourselves has to be dynamic. We change and we grow with each new experience. Everyone we meet shapes our character just a little bit more (for better or for worse). We are never the same.

Don't get me wrong, I do believe that there are parts of us that we choose to hold constant. There are the foundational parts of ourselves that help us to have some sense of self. On top of (or maybe interwoven with) those are the nuances that give us individuality. Sometimes we have to be daring as we live out who we really are. Sometimes we have to live by the words of one of my favorite Rent songs, "take me, baby, or leave me." There is courage in that. Dare I even say honor?

I was impressed by a group of friends I encountered a year ago. Their love for one another was so deep, so genuine. One of the friends had something she wanted to share with the others. I could sense the reluctance in her approach to the subject. Then, one of her friends said, "No secrets. You know we don't do that." Out of a wave of relief and belonging poured the girl's information to her friends. She had been granted the permission to be herself.

This brings me to the titular focus of this post. Secrets do us such a huge disservice. They squelch who we are and force us into places of shame. The truth really will set you free. While I am not of the belief that you should share everything with everyone, you should be surrounded by the kind of community that frees you to live a secret free live in their midst.

I am just coming from a place where I felt I had "hide" myself. Every time I ventured into authenticity, I was met with opposition. Talk about oppression...

However, I have had some opportunities to experience this type of community this summer. It is brand new territory for me. Its scary. I have the same fear that most people have, "If they see me for who I am will they still like me?" These days, I am thinking: so what if they don't? Sure, it stings a little, but better this small pain now than the deep ache of being unknown by those whom we call friends. No, from now on I choose freedom.

Regretful Character

Character cannot be developed in ease and quiet. Only through experience of trial and suffering can the soul be strengthened, ambition inspired, and success achieved

- Helen Keller

I asked somebody the other day if they had regrets. They answered something like, "no, because every [decision and/or action] makes you who you are today."

It's true, but I can't help wondering if this way of thinking is a little misguided. I believe regret is an extremely useful tool. It is how you use it that determines if it will positively or negatively affect your life. I mean let's face it, we will screw things up. Sometimes even colossally. Most of us have things that we wish we could do over. Many of us would rewrite certain parts of our history. The trouble is, that we cant undo history.

So, we are left with the repercussions of it. Not just the external ones, but the internal ones as well. One of which is regret. If we wallow in it, we prolong the pain of poor decisions (or the poor decisions of others). However, if we learn from it, we forge a new pathway in our lives that leads to a better future. Regret, can be a powerful character building tool.

I find myself presented with such an opportunity. I stand at the crossroads of regret and the lure of Wallow Way is all too strong. Something in me is fighting hard to turn me in the direction of Lesson Learned Ln (yes, I realize the cheesiness of these attempts at alliteration and allegory). Bear with me as I unpack, this mental battle I am having with some metaphor.

Wallow way is attractive because it is a downhill road. It is easy in the sense that I don't have to work very hard to travel it. But it is rife with many secondary troubles that in my haste I can fail to see. Traveling downhill for any considerable amount of time is very hard on the joints. It wears at the very things that are in place to keep you together and mobile. Plus, it is so much harder to travel back uphill once you realize that you have chosen poorly. I beleive at a certain point, turning back is nearly impossible. In the end, you have little to show for it but exhaustion, more pain, and a deterioration of who you are. That on top of the original pain that caused the journey!

Lesson Learned Lane is unattractive because it is an uphill climb. It will take a lot of work to choose this direction. There will be a lot of sweat, pain, and tears on this path. But, with every step comes more and more strengthening of the muscles. As the muscles strengthen, the climb becomes easier. Though it is challenging there is a sense of accomplishment that comes with it. Oh, and did I mention endorphins! A pitfall is that it can be easy to turnaround and undo the hard work you have put in. Yet if you endure, in the end you have strength, accomplishment, and joy. You find redemption in a situation that started off seeming bleak.

Either road shapes your character. One for the better the other for the worse. I have found that some of my biggest regrets have come from the repercussions of taking Wallow way after a previous regret. For instance, I am currently suffering a regret that is symptomatic of the state I have been in following a much prolonged period of wallowing. This period left me destitute and unsure of who I was. My character had become one of a defeated person. As a result, I rashly made some choices that I should have given more thought. I hadn't built up enough stamina to resist the temptation of instant gratification. I slid a little further downhill.

I am sick of that road. It is a miserably boring travel route. I need a new adventure and I refuse to continue on this path. I don't care how much work it takes. I am willing to take chances, and I am fully aware that that means the potentially for a few slip and falls. But, I would rather be tripping uphill than tumbling down it.

Legs don't fail me know.

Youth in Revolt: Resculpting my life

This summer is shaping up to be something vastly different than I had envisioned.

Some sculptors can look at a piece of clay and see the finished work even before they lay a hand on it. Others spend days, weeks, months looking for inspiration before they ever began chipping away. Even still some sculptors, dive right into the clay molding and shaping it with no certain direction in mind. They feel the clay. They let it speak to them as their fingers press further in and smooth it out. Yet, it is never a completely blind journey. Along the way, they discern what feels right to them or where they have made a wrong movement. They shape and reshape until it feels right. Before they know it, they have created a work of art.

I have never looked at my life and had clarity about what it should be. I have had pockets of inspiration and moments of great passion about something or some idea. But, I have yet to begin to conceive of the finished product.

I have however, spent days, weeks, months, years even trying to "figure it out." Sometimes I wonder if I have planned the better part of my youth away. Especially when I look back over my life and wonder if I have really lived it at all.

What do I have to show for it? Do I buy the script that I have followed?

Lately, I have taken the way of the free spirited sculptor. I have tired of the planning and decided to dive in, for better or for worse. Even in this short amount of time, I have had some moments of great brilliance and some missteps, but the past month has been more invigorating than the past few years. I am in revolt. Revolt against how my life should be.

My aim: to reclaim what is left of my youth.

But, I dare not do this alone. Despite the questionable status of my spiritual beliefs these days, I can never deny the power of God. I know that God guides me in the way that I should go and challenges me to be a better person. I am just not certain that what I previously thought that looked like is actually what it is. I am certain that there is something bigger than this flesh and bone that sees a bigger picture that eludes me. Even the sculptor has a muse (identified or not) that guides her along the way. That muse keeps her going when her hands grow weary and her fingers began to cramp. He keeps her inspired and energized to see it through. So it is with me and God.

Someone once said to me something to the effect of "be careful not to narrowly define yourself." While, I am not sure of that person's motives at the time of sharing that statement, it has stuck with me. I have done just that for a long time. In fact, I have so narrowed the definition that I no longer know who I am any more. Now I am out to rediscover who I am. Remolding and allowing myself to give in to the ebb and flow of life and hoping for a masterpiece.

A Year in Review

My, oh my, how things can change in a year.

I started this new blog last year with hopes of penning the adventures of my new life. My old blog had become bogged down with with old relational demons and a spiritual roller coaster that was, seemingly, without end. I am not sure what happened between now and then, but life looks much more differently than I had imagined. I haven't yet determined how I feel about that.

Looking back on the past year, it is hard for me to delineate the places where change occurred. I know that I feel radically different and I am not sure how I got there. Here are some of the major shifts:

Calling: Last year I hated where I was in life, I had competing passions and desires about where I wanted to go vocationally, and I was ready to run away from it all to something I had idealized in my mind. I spent the better part of two months filling out and getting together materials for a Peace Corps application. I was in such a tumultuous place in the other areas of my life, Love and Spirituality (see below) that running away seemed the best option. I am good at that.

At some point, I realized the utter stupidity of my escapist tendencies. What is life if you are always running from the experience of it? So, I sucked it up and decided to live for a change. I put Peace Corps on hold. (It is still something I would love to do, but I want to do it when I am feeling happy and fulfilled with life, not when I am running away from it.) Instead, I decided to pursue the PhD and take my chances (at possibly failing in the process). I was shown favor and got into all of the schools applied for. Out of that, was an opportunity to return home (GA) and attend a school with a great program in my field. I finally feel as if I am moving in the right direction and I am okay that it is not all figured out.

Love: Last year was difficult for me in this department. I ended a four year long hopefest (yes, this necessitated the invention of that word) for something that had (maybe) never been truly real. Then I spent the better part of the year wallowing in self-pity. I agonized for days, weeks, months... over the folly of daring to love someone with passion and fervor. Of believing that love conquers all odds. Of believing that wishing and wanting had the power to change the mind, heart and actions of someone else.

Then, I came back to reality. Don't me wrong, a love without passion is something I want no part of. For that reason I don't regret the ridiculous amount of time I spent pining. I would rather feel that passionately about someone/something than to feel nothing at all. I still believe that love conquers all odds, that it is the truest expression of who we are, and that without it this world and all its misery would be rendered unbearable. Where I feel regret, is where I spent it.

While this person has so many great qualities, he wasn't meant for my affections. He is indeed meant for someone's, just not mine. If I can borrow from Avatar, (I am not a huge fan, but humor me) he did not see me. Though I want to believe differently, I know I did not see him either. We were two people who bumped into each other in a time in our lives when we were desperately starved for affection. We let the depth of our need trump that thing inside of us that alerts us to true connection. We developed an unhealthy dependency that we labeled love. Unsurprisingly, it ended. For the past few years, the part of me that needed someone longed for that familiar connection, even if it meant I would be invisible forever.

I feel differently now. I am excited for the day that I can truly do life with someone. Where I can know and be known by someone so intimately that we are not plagued by the insecurities of shallow love. Where we are free to support and encourage one another's passions without feeling a fear of losing ourselves.

Yes, I look forward to that day and I feel no need to hasten it.

Spirituality: I could write a novel over this, but I'll try to be succinct. This is the area of my life that is still so murky. I love God. I don't believe that that will ever change. I came into Christianity at the age of eighteen and the past ten years of my life was been a roller coaster of passionate and apathetic pursuit of the truth of God. The past five years I lived in a town that housed two institutions whose primary focus was on the Christian mission. I entered into that world clear about my view of God. I leave it utterly confused. I know God to be loving, kind, gracious, and faithful. I have experienced his love to be comprehensive, requiring discipline, faithfulness, and a commitment to others of those whom he loves. Yet, I cannot seem to reconcile what I know of God and what he requires of me. I thought I knew, but I have no idea of what that looks like. So I am searching...

It feels good to write again. Maybe I rambled on, but I needed this purge. I am excited about chronicling this forward movement in my life. Until next time.