This is the post I have been avoiding and one of the reasons I have been slow to write anything real here. One of my goals was to be more transparent, but like most things, that is easier said/thought than done.
Self-Doubt
Man, I am struggling bad. At least once a day I wonder why I signed up for this stupid PhD. I don't feel equipped. It doesn't help that I have fallen into the trap of comparing myself to others. (We all know what a downward spiral that can be). Everyone else seems so ambitious, so driven, so sure of what they want... My rational mind knows that is not entirely true, but rational doesn't seem to dwell here anymore.
My classes are pretty good. However, I always leave the one I enjoy the most feeling more and more disillusioned about the politics of the profession. I know I am a chronic idealist, but dang people! Really, what am I do here? Am I cut out for this?
It doesn't help that I don't really feel connected to my cohort.
I have made some Salsa friends, but they are just that. So I find myself wondering, how is it that I am so close to home and I feel so relationally disconnected?
I think I know the answer...
Stubbornness
Truth is knocking on my door. It has been trying to get in for the past few weeks. It has been shouting through my windows and I have tried to drown it out. It can no longer be ignored.
I believe I am suffering from a transitional depression. Though, I am so happy to be free from the oppression that was KY, this change has been harder than I anticipated. Even though, this is a totally normal occurrence I still feel shame in my sadness. I of all people know better!
I, who, desires to see the stigma attached to counseling and mental health struggles disappear.
I, who, as a scholar could potentially write a dissertation on the triggers of depression (one common one being life transition - especially for natural pessimist, of which I am definitely one).
I, who, encourages anyone who confides in me to find the strength in his or her willingness to admit when they are struggling.
Yet, here I am in day 26 of telling myself that tomorrow will be the day that I will go see someone. Really? I have been trying to find every other thing to focus on besides the real issue at hand, but no more...
Singleness
The instant cure for alone-ness? I think not. While I do miss sharing life with someone in that way, I am encouraged to find lately that I am not at the place for settling for just anything.
This summer, I finally got "back in the game." After five years of ridiculous rumination, I allowed myself to envision happiness with whoever is awaiting my arrival into his life.
Yummy (a term coined by my roomie) helped with that. I have had the opportunity to get to know and/or reacquaint myself with a couple of people since I have returned to GA. I still continue the search, though. Am I uber picky? Sure. After five years of dating desolation, I believe the next one who gets the title boyfriend has to be on point!
Also, I am at the stage in my life when I am not in the mood for messing around, games, or immaturity. I am ready for romance, passion, but most of all a deep and abiding friendship partner (with whom I can make out of course)! So, until I find him, I am just chillin' and trying to survive this doctoral process.
Spirituality
God is amazing. Even in this time of spiritual struggle for me, I keep seeing glimpses of his love and pursuit of me. He hasn't given up on me yet and that is why I can never truly give up on Him. I just hope, someday soon, I can enjoy the kind of relationship I have had with Him in the past.
101 Things in 1001 days
Here are the 101 things that I hope to accomplish/do in 1001 days [9/21/10 - 6/18/13]. I have grouped them into categories that make the most sense for me. Feel free to join in the fun and create your own as well!
{✔} = things I have completed already!
Here are the 101 things that I hope to accomplish/do in 1001 days [9/21/10 - 6/18/13]. I have grouped them into categories that make the most sense for me. Feel free to join in the fun and create your own as well!
{✔} = things I have completed already!
2011 = things to do in 2011
Fun
1. Visit 5 local restaurants I've never been to 2011
2. Learn a choreographed dance 2011
3. See a comedian live 2011
4. Attend a local theater show 2011
5. Wear false eyelashes {✔}
6. Make a necklace 2011
7. Go on a tropical holiday or cruise
8. Try snowboarding
9. See a film at IMAX {✔}
10. Write a comedy set
11. Write and illustrate a children's book 2011
12. Grow my own tomatoes 2011
13. Spend a day exploring my city 2011
14. Watch a foreign film 2011
15. Watch every episode of the Office {✔}
16. Read Pride and Prejudice {✔}
17. Play bingo {✔}
18. Make homemade pasta 2011
19. Take a tango class 2011
20. Watch 26 movies, each starting with a different letter of the alphabet
Fitness/Health
21. Run a 10K race 2011
22. Do the 200 sit-ups challenge 2011
23. Exercise 30 mins. every day for a month 2011
24. Do a full body detox 2011
25. Get visible abs 2011
26. Run a 5K 2011
27. Buy a new bike 2011
28. Complete the 100 pushups challenge 2011
29. Participate in a triathlon
30. Tone up 2011
Personal
31. Read 5 classic books
32. Write myself a mail via http://www.futureme.org {✔}
33. Keep a diary for a month 2011
34. Create a living will 2011
35. Learn 5 of my poems by heart 2011
36. Make a list of what I'm looking for/ what is important to me in a relationship {✔}
37. Find a scent of incense that invigorates me 2011
38. Don't say anything negative for 1 day 2011
39. Read about confidence and practice it 2011
40. Vote in a local election
41. Journal every day for a month 2011
42. Write a list of inspirational things, one thing for each letter of the alphabet 2011
43. Tweet something {✔}
44. Say yes to 100 things I want to say no to
45. Make and send a postcard to PostSecret 2011
46. Update my blog at least once a month 2011
47. Write a list of 100 things that make me happy 2011
48. Answer the "50 Questions That Will Free Your Mind" {✔}
49. Wash my face every night for a month 2011
50. Take private dance lessons {✔}
51. Draw a self portrait 2011
52. Make a list of 100 things that I am grateful for 2011
53. Find a poem that means something to me 2011
54. Read the entire Bible
55. Improve my grammar / spelling
56. Participate in Operation Beautiful (http://operationbeautiful.com) 2011
57. Complete 20 creative writing prompts. http://creativewritingprompts.com/
58. Write a book of poetry
59. Perform at a Spoken Word event and invite my friends 2011
60. Buy sexy underwear from Victoria's Secret 2011
61. Practice smile therapy for a week 2011
62. Take a yoga class 2011
Nutritional
63. Go vegan for a week 2011
64. No fast food for 6 months 2011
65. Become a vegetarian for a week 2011
66. Drink 8 glasses of water a day for a month 2011
67. Practice the 5-a-day (fruits & veggies) for a month 2011
68. Learn to cook 10 new meals
Educational
69. Learn to play chess 2011 - Thanks to Andre
70. Read a biography 2011
71. Make an effort to learn more about politics before the next election
72. Learn to play a song on the guitar
73. Learn how to say "I love you" in 5 languages 2011
74. Watch 10 documentaries
75. Expand my vocabulary by 100 words
76. Learn to say thank you in 5 languages 2011
77. Learn how to play acoustic guitar
78. Improve Spanish to the point of fluency
Service
79. Complete at least 24 hours of community service
80. Sponsor a child 2011
Interpersonal
81. Host a game night 2011
82. Do something for a person that has made a difference in my life
83. Make two new friends {✔}
84. Learn to play tennis (for my dad) 2011
85. Play tennis with my dad 2011
86. Mend a relationship 2011
87. Picnic in the park 2011
88. Inspire someone else to make their own list {✔}
89. For one year -write an encouraging note to a different friend each month and send it to them 2011
90. Expand my dating horizons {✔}
91. Find a snail mail pen pal 2011
92. Start a collection of board games 2011
93. Strike up a conversation with a stranger {✔}
94. Make Christmas cards for my friends and family 2011
95. Mentor someone 2011
96. Compliment a stranger {✔}
97. Teach a class
98. Dance like there's no tomorrow
Financial
99. Go a week without buying anything 2011
100. Establish an emergency fund 2011
101. Learn more about investing and invest in something
{✔} = things I have completed already!
Here are the 101 things that I hope to accomplish/do in 1001 days [9/21/10 - 6/18/13]. I have grouped them into categories that make the most sense for me. Feel free to join in the fun and create your own as well!
{✔} = things I have completed already!
2011 = things to do in 2011
Fun
1. Visit 5 local restaurants I've never been to 2011
2. Learn a choreographed dance 2011
3. See a comedian live 2011
4. Attend a local theater show 2011
5. Wear false eyelashes {✔}
6. Make a necklace 2011
7. Go on a tropical holiday or cruise
8. Try snowboarding
9. See a film at IMAX {✔}
10. Write a comedy set
11. Write and illustrate a children's book 2011
12. Grow my own tomatoes 2011
13. Spend a day exploring my city 2011
14. Watch a foreign film 2011
15. Watch every episode of the Office {✔}
16. Read Pride and Prejudice {✔}
17. Play bingo {✔}
18. Make homemade pasta 2011
19. Take a tango class 2011
20. Watch 26 movies, each starting with a different letter of the alphabet
Fitness/Health
21. Run a 10K race 2011
22. Do the 200 sit-ups challenge 2011
23. Exercise 30 mins. every day for a month 2011
24. Do a full body detox 2011
25. Get visible abs 2011
26. Run a 5K 2011
27. Buy a new bike 2011
28. Complete the 100 pushups challenge 2011
29. Participate in a triathlon
30. Tone up 2011
Personal
31. Read 5 classic books
32. Write myself a mail via http://www.futureme.org {✔}
33. Keep a diary for a month 2011
34. Create a living will 2011
35. Learn 5 of my poems by heart 2011
36. Make a list of what I'm looking for/ what is important to me in a relationship {✔}
37. Find a scent of incense that invigorates me 2011
38. Don't say anything negative for 1 day 2011
39. Read about confidence and practice it 2011
40. Vote in a local election
41. Journal every day for a month 2011
42. Write a list of inspirational things, one thing for each letter of the alphabet 2011
43. Tweet something {✔}
44. Say yes to 100 things I want to say no to
45. Make and send a postcard to PostSecret 2011
46. Update my blog at least once a month 2011
47. Write a list of 100 things that make me happy 2011
48. Answer the "50 Questions That Will Free Your Mind" {✔}
49. Wash my face every night for a month 2011
50. Take private dance lessons {✔}
51. Draw a self portrait 2011
52. Make a list of 100 things that I am grateful for 2011
53. Find a poem that means something to me 2011
54. Read the entire Bible
55. Improve my grammar / spelling
56. Participate in Operation Beautiful (http://operationbeautiful.com) 2011
57. Complete 20 creative writing prompts. http://creativewritingprompts.com/
58. Write a book of poetry
59. Perform at a Spoken Word event and invite my friends 2011
60. Buy sexy underwear from Victoria's Secret 2011
61. Practice smile therapy for a week 2011
62. Take a yoga class 2011
Nutritional
63. Go vegan for a week 2011
64. No fast food for 6 months 2011
65. Become a vegetarian for a week 2011
66. Drink 8 glasses of water a day for a month 2011
67. Practice the 5-a-day (fruits & veggies) for a month 2011
68. Learn to cook 10 new meals
Educational
69. Learn to play chess 2011 - Thanks to Andre
70. Read a biography 2011
71. Make an effort to learn more about politics before the next election
72. Learn to play a song on the guitar
73. Learn how to say "I love you" in 5 languages 2011
74. Watch 10 documentaries
75. Expand my vocabulary by 100 words
76. Learn to say thank you in 5 languages 2011
77. Learn how to play acoustic guitar
78. Improve Spanish to the point of fluency
Service
79. Complete at least 24 hours of community service
80. Sponsor a child 2011
Interpersonal
81. Host a game night 2011
82. Do something for a person that has made a difference in my life
83. Make two new friends {✔}
84. Learn to play tennis (for my dad) 2011
85. Play tennis with my dad 2011
86. Mend a relationship 2011
87. Picnic in the park 2011
88. Inspire someone else to make their own list {✔}
89. For one year -write an encouraging note to a different friend each month and send it to them 2011
90. Expand my dating horizons {✔}
91. Find a snail mail pen pal 2011
92. Start a collection of board games 2011
93. Strike up a conversation with a stranger {✔}
94. Make Christmas cards for my friends and family 2011
95. Mentor someone 2011
96. Compliment a stranger {✔}
97. Teach a class
98. Dance like there's no tomorrow
Financial
99. Go a week without buying anything 2011
100. Establish an emergency fund 2011
101. Learn more about investing and invest in something
Mind Freedom? The Verdict is Still Out
At the encouragement and example of my roommate TJD, I have decided to do the 101 things in 1001 days challenge. I began my list earlier today and have come up with only 60 things so far (yikes!). When I get the full list completed, I will post it here. I decided I would kick off my 1001 days with one of my one of my 101 things (It is not the most interesting thing, but it was somewhat insightful):
ANSWER THE "50 THINGS THAT WILL FREE YOUR MIND"
These questions have no right or wrong answers.
1. How old would you be if you didn’t know how old you are?
The same age
2. Which is worse, failing or never trying?
failing
3. If life is so short, why do we do so many things we don’t like and like so many things we don’t do?
Because the pain of change is sometimes harder than the pain of staying the same
4. When it’s all said and done, will you have said more than you’ve done?
at the rate I am going now, yes.
5. What is the one thing you’d most like to change about the world?
How people raise their kids
6. If happiness was the national currency, what kind of work would make you rich?
Student Affairs!!!!
7. Are you doing what you believe in, or are you settling for what you are doing?
I am working on being able to do what I believe in
8. If the average human life span was 40 years, how would you live your life differently?
I would love more without abandon
9. To what degree have you actually controlled the course your life has taken?
to a pretty significant degree
10. Are you more worried about doing things right, or doing the right things?
doing things right
11. You’re having lunch with three people you respect and admire. They all start criticizing a close friend of yours, not knowing she is your friend. The criticism is distasteful and unjustified. What do you do?
Tell them that they are misjudging that person
12. If you could offer a newborn child only one piece of advice, what would it be?
Laugh deeply and often
13. Would you break the law to save a loved one?
yes, depending on which law
14. Have you ever seen insanity where you later saw creativity?
all the time
15. What’s something you know you do differently than most people?
relate
16. How come the things that make you happy don’t make everyone happy?
Because we all have our own quirks and nuances
17. What one thing have you not done that you really want to do? What’s holding you back?
Written a book. Fear of failure.
18. Are you holding onto something you need to let go of?
yep, lots of anger. Lots of pain.
19. If you had to move to a state or country besides the one you currently live in, where would you move and why?
Spain, because it is quite possibly the best place on earth.
20. Do you push the elevator button more than once? Do you really believe it makes the elevator faster?
Sometimes. No, but on the off chance...
21. Would you rather be a worried genius or a joyful simpleton?
Well, I am a worried genius now :), so a joyful simpleton
22. Why are you, you?
There aren't enough words to answer this for anyone
23. Have you been the kind of friend you want as a friend?
No :(
24. Which is worse, when a good friend moves away, or losing touch with a good friend who lives right near you?
Losing touch with a good friend that lives right near you
25. What are you most grateful for?
Second, Third, Fourth, etc. chances
26. Would you rather lose all of your old memories, or never be able to make new ones?
Never be able to make new ones
27. Is is possible to know the truth without challenging it first?
No
28. Has your greatest fear ever come true?
Yes, but after it does I generate a new one. So, no?
29. Do you remember that time 5 years ago when you were extremely upset? Does it really matter now?
Yes, the pain of the experience still affects my decisions today
30. What is your happiest childhood memory? What makes it so special?
31. At what time in your recent past have you felt most passionate and alive?
After I finished my last job and over the summer
32. If not now, then when?
never
33. If you haven’t achieved it yet, what do you have to lose?
Hope
34. Have you ever been with someone, said nothing, and walked away feeling like you just had the best conversation ever?
No, but I have had some great silent moments with people
35. Why do religions that support love cause so many wars?
People get to wrapped up in the passion
36. Is it possible to know, without a doubt, what is good and what is evil?
Not on this side of life
37. If you just won a million dollars, would you quit your job?
If I had the job I expect to have, no
38. Would you rather have less work to do, or more work you actually enjoy doing?
More work that I actually enjoy doing
39. Do you feel like you’ve lived this day a hundred times before?
No
40. When was the last time you marched into the dark with only the soft glow of an idea you strongly believed in?
I am still trying to find my way to the other side...
41. If you knew that everyone you know was going to die tomorrow, who would you visit today?
My mom, dad and grandparents
42. Would you be willing to reduce your life expectancy by 10 years to become extremely attractive or famous?
No
43. What is the difference between being alive and truly living?
truly living is following your passions and risking failure
44. When is it time to stop calculating risk and rewards, and just go ahead and do what you know is right?
When you have figured out all the risks and rewards :). When you tire of that.
45. If we learn from our mistakes, why are we always so afraid to make a mistake?
Because, if we can, it is better to learn from the mistakes of others
46. What would you do differently if you knew nobody would judge you?
Speak what is on my mind
47. When was the last time you noticed the sound of your own breathing?
Right now, thanks for that.
48. What do you love? Have any of your recent actions openly expressed this love?
Love. No.
49. In 5 years from now, will you remember what you did yesterday? What about the day before that? Or the day before that?
Probably not
50. Decisions are being made right now. The question is: Are you making them for yourself, or are you letting others make them for you?
I am making them for myself!
ANSWER THE "50 THINGS THAT WILL FREE YOUR MIND"
These questions have no right or wrong answers.
1. How old would you be if you didn’t know how old you are?
The same age
2. Which is worse, failing or never trying?
failing
3. If life is so short, why do we do so many things we don’t like and like so many things we don’t do?
Because the pain of change is sometimes harder than the pain of staying the same
4. When it’s all said and done, will you have said more than you’ve done?
at the rate I am going now, yes.
5. What is the one thing you’d most like to change about the world?
How people raise their kids
6. If happiness was the national currency, what kind of work would make you rich?
Student Affairs!!!!
7. Are you doing what you believe in, or are you settling for what you are doing?
I am working on being able to do what I believe in
8. If the average human life span was 40 years, how would you live your life differently?
I would love more without abandon
9. To what degree have you actually controlled the course your life has taken?
to a pretty significant degree
10. Are you more worried about doing things right, or doing the right things?
doing things right
11. You’re having lunch with three people you respect and admire. They all start criticizing a close friend of yours, not knowing she is your friend. The criticism is distasteful and unjustified. What do you do?
Tell them that they are misjudging that person
12. If you could offer a newborn child only one piece of advice, what would it be?
Laugh deeply and often
13. Would you break the law to save a loved one?
yes, depending on which law
14. Have you ever seen insanity where you later saw creativity?
all the time
15. What’s something you know you do differently than most people?
relate
16. How come the things that make you happy don’t make everyone happy?
Because we all have our own quirks and nuances
17. What one thing have you not done that you really want to do? What’s holding you back?
Written a book. Fear of failure.
18. Are you holding onto something you need to let go of?
yep, lots of anger. Lots of pain.
19. If you had to move to a state or country besides the one you currently live in, where would you move and why?
Spain, because it is quite possibly the best place on earth.
20. Do you push the elevator button more than once? Do you really believe it makes the elevator faster?
Sometimes. No, but on the off chance...
21. Would you rather be a worried genius or a joyful simpleton?
Well, I am a worried genius now :), so a joyful simpleton
22. Why are you, you?
There aren't enough words to answer this for anyone
23. Have you been the kind of friend you want as a friend?
No :(
24. Which is worse, when a good friend moves away, or losing touch with a good friend who lives right near you?
Losing touch with a good friend that lives right near you
25. What are you most grateful for?
Second, Third, Fourth, etc. chances
26. Would you rather lose all of your old memories, or never be able to make new ones?
Never be able to make new ones
27. Is is possible to know the truth without challenging it first?
No
28. Has your greatest fear ever come true?
Yes, but after it does I generate a new one. So, no?
29. Do you remember that time 5 years ago when you were extremely upset? Does it really matter now?
Yes, the pain of the experience still affects my decisions today
30. What is your happiest childhood memory? What makes it so special?
31. At what time in your recent past have you felt most passionate and alive?
After I finished my last job and over the summer
32. If not now, then when?
never
33. If you haven’t achieved it yet, what do you have to lose?
Hope
34. Have you ever been with someone, said nothing, and walked away feeling like you just had the best conversation ever?
No, but I have had some great silent moments with people
35. Why do religions that support love cause so many wars?
People get to wrapped up in the passion
36. Is it possible to know, without a doubt, what is good and what is evil?
Not on this side of life
37. If you just won a million dollars, would you quit your job?
If I had the job I expect to have, no
38. Would you rather have less work to do, or more work you actually enjoy doing?
More work that I actually enjoy doing
39. Do you feel like you’ve lived this day a hundred times before?
No
40. When was the last time you marched into the dark with only the soft glow of an idea you strongly believed in?
I am still trying to find my way to the other side...
41. If you knew that everyone you know was going to die tomorrow, who would you visit today?
My mom, dad and grandparents
42. Would you be willing to reduce your life expectancy by 10 years to become extremely attractive or famous?
No
43. What is the difference between being alive and truly living?
truly living is following your passions and risking failure
44. When is it time to stop calculating risk and rewards, and just go ahead and do what you know is right?
When you have figured out all the risks and rewards :). When you tire of that.
45. If we learn from our mistakes, why are we always so afraid to make a mistake?
Because, if we can, it is better to learn from the mistakes of others
46. What would you do differently if you knew nobody would judge you?
Speak what is on my mind
47. When was the last time you noticed the sound of your own breathing?
Right now, thanks for that.
48. What do you love? Have any of your recent actions openly expressed this love?
Love. No.
49. In 5 years from now, will you remember what you did yesterday? What about the day before that? Or the day before that?
Probably not
50. Decisions are being made right now. The question is: Are you making them for yourself, or are you letting others make them for you?
I am making them for myself!
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