My, oh my, how things can change in a year.
I started this new blog last year with hopes of penning the adventures of my new life. My old blog had become bogged down with with old relational demons and a spiritual roller coaster that was, seemingly, without end. I am not sure what happened between now and then, but life looks much more differently than I had imagined. I haven't yet determined how I feel about that.
Looking back on the past year, it is hard for me to delineate the places where change occurred. I know that I feel radically different and I am not sure how I got there. Here are some of the major shifts:
Calling: Last year I hated where I was in life, I had competing passions and desires about where I wanted to go vocationally, and I was ready to run away from it all to something I had idealized in my mind. I spent the better part of two months filling out and getting together materials for a Peace Corps application. I was in such a tumultuous place in the other areas of my life, Love and Spirituality (see below) that running away seemed the best option. I am good at that.
At some point, I realized the utter stupidity of my escapist tendencies. What is life if you are always running from the experience of it? So, I sucked it up and decided to live for a change. I put Peace Corps on hold. (It is still something I would love to do, but I want to do it when I am feeling happy and fulfilled with life, not when I am running away from it.) Instead, I decided to pursue the PhD and take my chances (at possibly failing in the process). I was shown favor and got into all of the schools applied for. Out of that, was an opportunity to return home (GA) and attend a school with a great program in my field. I finally feel as if I am moving in the right direction and I am okay that it is not all figured out.
Love: Last year was difficult for me in this department. I ended a four year long hopefest (yes, this necessitated the invention of that word) for something that had (maybe) never been truly real. Then I spent the better part of the year wallowing in self-pity. I agonized for days, weeks, months... over the folly of daring to love someone with passion and fervor. Of believing that love conquers all odds. Of believing that wishing and wanting had the power to change the mind, heart and actions of someone else.
Then, I came back to reality. Don't me wrong, a love without passion is something I want no part of. For that reason I don't regret the ridiculous amount of time I spent pining. I would rather feel that passionately about someone/something than to feel nothing at all. I still believe that love conquers all odds, that it is the truest expression of who we are, and that without it this world and all its misery would be rendered unbearable. Where I feel regret, is where I spent it.
While this person has so many great qualities, he wasn't meant for my affections. He is indeed meant for someone's, just not mine. If I can borrow from Avatar, (I am not a huge fan, but humor me) he did not see me. Though I want to believe differently, I know I did not see him either. We were two people who bumped into each other in a time in our lives when we were desperately starved for affection. We let the depth of our need trump that thing inside of us that alerts us to true connection. We developed an unhealthy dependency that we labeled love. Unsurprisingly, it ended. For the past few years, the part of me that needed someone longed for that familiar connection, even if it meant I would be invisible forever.
I feel differently now. I am excited for the day that I can truly do life with someone. Where I can know and be known by someone so intimately that we are not plagued by the insecurities of shallow love. Where we are free to support and encourage one another's passions without feeling a fear of losing ourselves.
Yes, I look forward to that day and I feel no need to hasten it.
Spirituality: I could write a novel over this, but I'll try to be succinct. This is the area of my life that is still so murky. I love God. I don't believe that that will ever change. I came into Christianity at the age of eighteen and the past ten years of my life was been a roller coaster of passionate and apathetic pursuit of the truth of God. The past five years I lived in a town that housed two institutions whose primary focus was on the Christian mission. I entered into that world clear about my view of God. I leave it utterly confused. I know God to be loving, kind, gracious, and faithful. I have experienced his love to be comprehensive, requiring discipline, faithfulness, and a commitment to others of those whom he loves. Yet, I cannot seem to reconcile what I know of God and what he requires of me. I thought I knew, but I have no idea of what that looks like. So I am searching...
It feels good to write again. Maybe I rambled on, but I needed this purge. I am excited about chronicling this forward movement in my life. Until next time.
