The title of this post is the result of a recent exchange I had with a friend. Also, since this will (more than likely) be my last post of February and I have yet to write a blog in homage to Black History Month, I'll steal this quote from Jesse Jackson (yes I know he is a contemporary figure).
Warning: This post isn't about Black History Month, as roomie and I joked, isn't being Black celebration enough?
No, this is a brief post about believing that what needs to happen will happen when it needs to happen and realizing the journey to your destination is not also easy. I think that this reality has been most salient to me in my current educational journey. Last semester was so rough for me. Much of it, I realized, was my own doing. I got so wrapped up in what I perceived to be my inability, that I failed to see my areas of strength and missed some valuable learning opportunities.
When I had some time to step away from it all (over Christmas break), I was able to get more clarity... I realized that, where I am is right where I need to be and I have given myself the liberty to yield to the growing pains that are a part of this experience. As a result, this semester has been great so far. Don't get me wrong, the workload is crazy, but that constant worry and doubt that I felt has nearly disappeared.
It's made me think a lot (and consequently get into frequent discussions) about how people can have a tendency to worry so much about the future that they ruin the present. Worry is a frenemy to hope. They both focus on the future, but worry slowly chokes the life out of hope until there isn't a scintilla of it left. Today, before worry can commence its destruction of vitality, I am standing against it. Good sense, however, I cling tightly to my chest.
I will end with a quote from a wise person I know: "...we do have to leave ourselves somewhat open to the idea that there's hope out there somewhere heading our way to pay a visit... and maybe stay forever!" - K.A.B.
What is destructive is impatience, haste, expecting too much too fast. - May Sarton
Being nocturnal sometimes has major downfalls, like the downward spiral that occurs when you spend too much time in your head and all of your confidants are fast asleep! This is one of those times. I am feeling extremely frustrated and feel as if I just need to write to assuage these emotions. Yet, I also don't want to put all of my girl-moment craziness out on the interwebs. So, I'll just write cryptically and hope that this surface-level processing can be a temporary band-aid until I can call on my girlfriends for insight.
There are times when it's hard to discern between irrational expectations and normal expectations placed on impracticable situations and/or people. I am caught in that place currently, and I am baffled about how to sort it all out. Then again, I wonder if I am falling into the destructive trap that Sarton warns about. Am I being impatient, hasty, expecting too much too fast? *Hmph* I fear one or all of these may be the case, in which case, I am not sure what to do. How do you just turn that kind of thing off?
The Bible says, "hope deferred makes the heart sick."... When did I let hope sneak in and how do I serve it its eviction notice? How can I escape this quixotic dreamscape?
I don't know the answer or any real way to sort it all out without an alternate point of view... I would just delete this post, but I need to use my word of the week. Plus, despite its seeming meaninglessness, it did assuage my frustration a little bit. I guess that's worth something.
Girls are like apples on trees. The best ones are at the top of the tree. The boys don't want to reach for the good ones because they are afraid of falling and getting hurt. Instead, they just get the rotten apples from the ground that aren't as good, but easy. So the apples at the top think something is wrong with them, when in reality, they're amazing. They just have to wait for the right boy to come along, the one who's brave enough to climb all the way to the top of the tree. by Pete Wentz
I came across this cute little word picture (above) the other day and had to incorporate it into the blog.
This being Valentine's week, I figured I'd write some relationship-y type post. So, here we are:
Just to set the stage a bit I must first admit that I am somewhat of a relationship traditionalist (most of you know this already). I am not completely "gendered" like roomie, but I do have some more traditional ideas about dating. Two major ones are: 1) I think a guy should pursue a girl and try to win her heart; and that a woman should wait for a man to do so, 2) I think couples should be committed to one another and have made love to each other's minds before even thinking of going there with their bodies. These two things, in my personal life, are nonnegotiable. I also have (what some would call silly) notions about how pairings should be. Knowing that there are many wonderful exceptions to the rules, I still hold some of these, a couple which are: 1) I think a guy should be taller than a girl [a particular challenge for me], 2) I think a guy should be older than a girl [there's this whole 'Eve was fashioned out of Adam's rib' thing behind that]...
Although, I have more than what I listed here (in both categories) I am not a person who has a huge checklist of things. However, we all have some notion of things that we desire in a partner. We have things that we won't budge on (e.g., my first couple of items) and things that we really hope for, but may be willing to budge a little on... given the perfect circumstances. That brings me to the purpose of this post.
I had a conversation with a classmate the other day about the semi-negotiable items. We had some fun joking about the challenges that come with the circumstances that letting go of a semi-negotiable can pose, but he shared a good insight. This is a very loose paraphrase, but it maintains his point. He said something to the effect of: it is not really about [insert semi-negotiable here]. Really it is about whether, or not, each person is willing to take the person where they are and make it work. Basically, he was saying, if you meet a quality person who is worth going the distance for (despite their lack of that semi-negotiable item) you just have to put on your running shoes and be willing to go, no matter what that distance may be.
This was one of those days. lots of things were going wrong. Nothing major, but things like the printer in the computer lab not working when I needed to print off an assignment, I forgot to put on deodorant (:|), I rode the bus all the way home (to get said deodorant) only to discover I had left my house keys on campus, and a few other nuisances in between.
However, also inserted in those nuisances were some gems. The first one (and coincidentally it was also the first snowball to start rolling down the hill of today) was when the bus driver, who was running late due to traffic, decided one stop shy of campus to kick all the UGA folks off the bus so that she could make it back to the bus depot and get back on schedule!!! I mean I get it, but geez! So, 28 of us mosey off the bus and wait at the bus stop for the next bus willing to take us stranded travelers to our destinations. I felt the worst for the people for whom this impromptu adventure made late to class. When the other bus came (which was maybe a minute later, not long at all) we all piled on. We were packed like sardines on top of the already settled passengers on the bus. Many of the people were grumbling. (It was 7 in the morning, so I was too sleepy to grumble too). Then one lady in the aisle (an "original bus" companion) said, "Well that was a creative solution!"
See, the previous bus driver knew that the other bus would be along shortly and thus, it really was the best solution for most of the people. This fellow bus rider, took those lemons and made lemonade. If only, we all could have seen the positive in it all!
It actually helped me in the midst of the other sillyness that happened to look for redemptive moments. Like the fact, that at the end of all that craziness I had some excellent interpersonal time with Shannon. I went to meet her with a headache and a bad attitude and I left feeling refreshed and ready to tackle SPSS!
"I want to separate courage and bravery for you for a minute...the original definition of courage when it first came into the English language, was from the Latin word Cur, meaning heart, and the original definition was to tell the story of who you are with your whole heart" -Brene Brown
Do you ever have that experience where someone just takes the words right out of your head and speaks them? Brene Brown's Ted talk couldn't be more on point with my recent reflections and the type of post I wanted to write around this week's word. So, throughout the post I will use different quotes from her talk to prompt my own thoughts. At the end, I have included her original talk for your viewing pleasure, if you will. (NOTE: If you are some random person that stumbled across this blog and you don't know about TED.com...wait until you have hours of free time and go there. You will LOVE it!)
Brene's talk was about vulnerability and courage (as it is defined above). another way she articulates this is that vulnerability/courage is, "the willingness to do something when there are no guarantees." Whether that thing is to enter into a relationship with someone new and dare to love them, forgiving someone who has deeply wounded you and daring to continue to be in relationship with them, or trusting a friend with a deep secret. Really, any way that you can put yourself out there in the world without knowing what the response will be.
Today, before I even watched Brene's talk, I was thinking about this very thing. (Note: I don't want this to be "cry me a river" time as I am merely illustrating the point.) There have been points in my life where I have been deeply wounded by family members. As a child, you don't really choose who you love. You have this sort of naive sense that the people around you are to be loved and trusted. When they breach that trust there is a sense of betrayal that can leave scars that even the best cocoa butter can't fade. It makes you have a heightened sense of self-protection. This is the story of my life (and I know of so many other people too).
Brene talks about her own struggle with vulnerability and how she shared with her therapist these words, "...vulnerability is the core of shame and fear and our struggle for worthiness, but it appears that it is also the birthplace of joy, of creativity, of belonging, of love..."
It is so true! I think about DB and how he was the first person I ever really let myself be truly vulnerable with. He was my first real volitional love. I chose to love him even in all his imperfections. By love, I don't just mean the warm and fuzzy feelings. I let him see deep parts of me and opened my eyes to that in him. He came into my life at a time when I had built walls upon walls around my heart, but I chose to chip them away as I grew in love with him. That's why when things went south I was wounded deeply (actually words cannot really adequately describe the pain the disintegration of our relationship caused).
My first reaction was to swear off of love. "never again, will I be a fool," was one of the many ruminations I had. But as the years have passed and I have been blessed with friends who love me and really care about who I am, I begin to value the lessons I learned through that experience. True love is never wasted nor foolish. We were made for it. It is weaved into the very fabric of our being. Love = Life and that is just the way it is."I lost the fight, but I won my life back." I definitely feel that way about my experience loving DB. I fought against vulnerability, but when I allowed myself to love him, I gained so much of my life back that I had hidden away after years of pain throughout my youth. "You cannot selectively numb emotion, you can't say, 'Here's the bad stuff, here's vulnerability, here's grief, here's shame, here's fear, here's disappointment...I don't want to feel these.' You cannot numb those without numbing the other affects or emotions." I had gone through so much of my youth numb. Numb to everything.
I said it in my last post, and Brene said it as well, sometimes the pain reminds us of the vitality of living and being in relationship with people. So I'll borrow the words of Alica Keys, "Yes, I was burned, but I'll call it a lesson learned...My soul has returned so I'll call it a lesson learned. Another lesson learned." It may be one of the most important lessons of all.
It takes great courage to "do something when there is no guarantee." I had started to become pusillanimous in my living: school, friends, and other areas of life. There is power in words (roommie recently wrote a blog around this statement) I think declaring a new attitude has been life-giving for me. It has given me the courage to persist and begin to enjoy my PhD journey, it has urged me to stop the rebuilding of walls I had begun (even with my own closest friends, smh), and it has given me eager anticipation (albeit, there is still some trepidation, let's be real here) to be vulnerable in that way again when the opportunity presents itself familially, platonically, and/or romantically. I have already started taking those steps. One great accomplishment was reading one of my more vulnerable pieces in the presence of my new friend Gloria (and a crowd of unknown people).
I can and will be indomitable!
Brene closed by urging us "To let ourselves be seen, deeply seen, vulnerably seen. To love with our whole hearts even though there is no guarantee. To practice gratitude and joy in the moments of...terror when we are wondering, 'can I love you this much?'; 'Can I believe in this this passionately?' ...Instead of catastrophizing what might happen to say, 'I'm just so grateful because to feel this vulnerable means I am alive.'"
"The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full." - John 10:10
I really went to (what my roommate calls) the dark side of the abyss, yesterday. It has been a couple of years since I have felt that extreme heaviness around this time of year.
Today would have been my big sister's birthday. Loss (by death) is a funny thing in the ebb and flow of the mourning process. I thought the worst was over, but I found myself feeling that seeming impenetrable darkness yesterday. Maybe its because my life is in transition right now, that I am more susceptible... I don't know.
I feel much better today. I feel hopeful again, but very contemplative about life and making it count.
My friend, Nae, turned 30 yesterday and we had some fun joking about (what is for some) the dreaded decade. (I, personally, am looking forward to my thirties). Yet, I couldn't help but think about the fact that Tricey (my sisters nickname) will never know what that's like. At this point, she would be 3 years into her thirties. Would she have been dreading this decade like some of my friends or celebrating it as I plan to? Would she be married, have kids, or some other life adventure? I'll never know. What I do know is how much I feel I have to live this life fully (for the both of us). Sometimes, the pain is exactly what we need to be reminded that we are alive and that, even when its hard, there are so many beautiful opportunities within it.
