Prelims.

That's all I have the strength to type.

On Why Laughter is the Best Medicine and I Need to Start Running Again

Laughter gives us distance. It allows us to step back from an event, deal with it and then move on." -- Bob Newhart 

Life is absurd. It is absolutely, ridiculously absurd.  If you think of it as anything less, then you need to look a little harder.

These past few weeks have been crazy, full of major ups and some downs.... I wouldn't change a thing—okay, maybe one or two things, but I'm trying to make a point here. I think I keep waiting for my life to be, even feel, normal; however, the realization that there is no such thing as a normal life is becoming clearer and clearer to me. The goal now is to become okay with that.

These past few days I have been tightroping across the abyss.  Every now and then, I would slip off, catch myself by my fingers, and dangle there wondering whether to let go or climb back up. A few times, I have willed myself back on to the rope and propelled myself in motion toward solid ground. The following cycle began: slip, fall, dangle, decide, get up, move forward, repeat. Sometimes the path to the other side is wrought with slip-ups, but I am getting there.

I love comedy. I love podcasts about comedy. I love laughing. If there is one thing that has never failed me in this world, it is laughter. It has been my friend and comforter. It was my defense against being a weird little kid. "If I can make them laugh, I can make them like me," was my motto. So, I became the ham, the clown, the comedienne. It worked for me; it worked, because in a world full of pain, laughter is the most soothing salve. Finding humor in the horrible has literally saved my life on a couple of occasions. Lately, it has been keeping me sane.

So, yeah, laugh; nothing beats it.

Running. I still am not a person who is in love with running, but what I do love are the endorphins and physical benefits it produces. I got really lazy this Spring about running (and other things, but let's not get into that). Everyday, I say "today I will lace up my shoes and run again." Everyday, I do not run. SMDH!  Plus, all my clothes are fitting more snuggly than I would like and I refuse to buy new ones. Though life is crazy, with school, I need to run. So, sorry there was no super profound reason for needing to run more other than general health (physical and psychological).

I'm almost to the other side of the abyss. A little cheering on would be nice. I'm just sayin'.

On Being Perfect

Have no fear of perfection—you'll never reach it" - Salvador Dali

Um, Dali is one of my absolute favorite artists (maybe I'll write a post about him and why). I am so grateful to ex-roomie for going with me to see his work in Atlanta about a year ago. At present, I am avoiding doing the schoolwork I need to do by trolling blogs that I follow. I really felt the need to write, but didn't have anything to share. Then, I went to my iGoogle homepage (which is going away soon apparently :( ) and one of the quotes of the day was from Dali. How could my heart refuse?

I can try to slice it any way that I want, but I am tired of the facade; I am weird.  I constantly feel out of place anywhere that I am. I never know the right thing to say or do, and I often end up standing around awkwardly and/or engaging in awkward conversation with some poor sap that has taken it upon him or herself to coax my awkward self out of my shell. I hate it. Like, really hate it.  Like if I had one wish from a genie in a bottle it would be that I would no longer be awkward.

Don't get me wrong, I don't want to change the way I think about things or the essential parts of my personality. I am pretty happy with who I am as a person, save for this—sometimes massively—distracting quality. When I get comfortable with a person, like really comfortable with a person, I am fine. I can be gregarious, witty, engaging, and extra-talkative (just ask ex-roomie, Shannon, or Nae). But, if I am in a crowd of people (even people I know), it's like I never learned how to interact with human people. o_O

At the heart of the matter is a desire for perfection. My mind is usually teeming with ideas and interesting things to say, but when I am around unfamiliar people, I am so afraid of making a faux pas that I become paralyzed with awkwardness. What if I say the wrong thing? What if I don't know as much as I think I do about this one subject? What if my voice sounds weird? What if, what if, what if... This is my inner dialogue in most situations, and it's a problem; however, I don't know how to change it.

So, how do I "have no fear of perfection?" Perhaps knowing I'll never reach it, and that what I have to offer is good enough.

On marriage, dating, and friendship

It is not a lack of love, but a lack of friendship that makes unhappy marriages.” ― Friedrich Nietzsche

Marriage, uh, yeah, what is it good for? Absolutely nothing? Marriage... war... why quibble over words? I feel like people who have gone through either and come out on the other end have a similar story, wounds and PTSD.

Don't get me wrong, I look at my grandparents who have been married for 59 years I think, "surely there is some merit to this thing." More often than not, I just hear one sad tale after another of estrangement, fighting, or even just general apathy towards marriage. What is that about? It's made me so cynical that I can't help look at some of my friends' young marriages and try to guess the expiration date.

This post isn't coming out of thin air; a friend of mine is recently divorced and hearing him talk about it has started my mind reeling. What is the purpose of marriage? (I actually Googled this and there is a website, purposeofmarriage.org. It didn't quite give me what I was looking for, though). M. Gallagher wrote a paper titled What Marriage is For? The Public Purposes of Marriage Law on www.marriagedebate.com. She talks about marriage being a protection for children and describes the gains of children raised in homes in which their parents were married over those who don't. She also talks about how, because of what it has come to mean symbolically in our society, it legitimizes love and commitment. Thus, single people gauge their commitment levels against marriage.

I guess I can buy some of that.  I don't know that that is the way it should be, but what can you do? Does marriage make our society better? Perhaps, when it works. There seems to be all of this evidence of the benefits of marriage on both physical and emotional health. When it works. So, why is it, that after so many years of marriage as an institution, less and less people are getting it right?

These days I feel decreasingly desirous of it.

Dating is a whole other beast. Do you date around? Are you a serial monogamist? What about friends with benefits?  Now a days, it is harder and harder to make a meaningful connection with someone, in terms of dating. It's the paradox of choice. There is just way too much access to too many people and under such circumstances, how can a person possibly make a decision that they feel wholly satisfied with? People like to say the quote, "saying yes to one thing means saying no to something else." When it comes to dating, though, saying yes to one person could be saying no to hundreds of others. What if one of those others was a better choice?

I worry about that a lot. What if I choose someone and then an amazing person comes along? God, that sounds awful, but allow me a moment of authenticity. I am not the kind of person who would break up with someone for someone else. I like to honor my commitments unless there is an actual problem. But, that would be a tortuous situation. I also worry about it in the reverse. I think I am a pretty cool person. I am a pretty awesome girlfriend: loving, encouraging, affectionate, fun... I am not the most beautiful, but I am easy on the eyes. But, there are also lots and lots of super hot girls out there,and some of them actually have great personalities. Oh, and,  did I mention, they are getting younger and younger.

So, what is the purpose of dating? To lead to marriage? If so, and marriage seems to be breaking down as a successful endeavor, save for the lucky few, why do we do it? Perhaps to not be alone?

Friendship is pretty awesome.  I wish it, in itself, could be enough; however, you can't sleep with your friends, not successfully, at least. It would irrevocably change the friendship. I am speaking from what I have heard not experience, thank goodness. Plus, most of my good friends are girls. So, there's that. More power to women who love women in that way, but it's not for me.

Friendship is powerful and the salve to your wounds from the aforementioned relationship breakdowns.     And, if a lack of it makes unhappy marriages, as Nietzche says, then it's the greatest investment of all, right?

I may never be a wife. I am sure I'll be someone's girlfriend again, at some point. A friend, though, I can and will be forever for all that will let me.

A Match Made in Podcast?

Soulmates are people who have locks that fit our keys, and keys that fit our locks. When we feel safe enough to open the locks, our truest selves step out and we can be completely and honestly who we are; we can be loved for who we are and not for who we are pretending to be. Each soulmate unveils the best part of the other. No matter what else goes wrong around us, with them we are safe in our own paradise. Our soulmates are people who share our deepest longings, our sense of direction....Our soulmates are the ones that make life come to life. - paraphrased to encompass more than one soulmate, but the quote is from Richard Bach

       
At this point in time, anyone who knows me, knows how much I LOVE podcasts. One of my favorites is You Made it Weird with Pete Holmes. (Andre, if you haven't checked it out yet, you're missing out).

Recently, I made a connection with a guy who mentioned YMiW as one of his favorite podcasts. That among other facts about him, made me think, "I need to know this guy." I honestly just wanted to tell him that I thought he was pretty cool. Little did I know how awesome he actually was. I wasn't ready. I have since discovered, and am convinced that he is one of the best people on earth. Who is this mystery man, you ask? My dad.

Okay, not really. However, he is an awesome guy that I've met and befriended. I have been blessed lately to have some wonderful people in my life, for example (now ex-) roomie and Shannon Dean; however, there are only a few people in this world that I've met and felt like our souls were made to connect; a couple of those people actually read this blog (I am not sure why, though!).  Nae has definitely been one of those people. She is my sister, my best friend, and my soulmate; I am so sad to see her go off to Afghanistan. Andre has also been one of those people—though we don't hang out much any more—who I feel was destined to be my friend. And now, only time will tell if this new person is a lifelong friend or merely a seasonal reminder of the depth and possibility of human connection.

Who knew that a podcast had so much power?!