I really went to (what my roommate calls) the dark side of the abyss, yesterday. It has been a couple of years since I have felt that extreme heaviness around this time of year.
Today would have been my big sister's birthday. Loss (by death) is a funny thing in the ebb and flow of the mourning process. I thought the worst was over, but I found myself feeling that seeming impenetrable darkness yesterday. Maybe its because my life is in transition right now, that I am more susceptible... I don't know.
I feel much better today. I feel hopeful again, but very contemplative about life and making it count.
My friend, Nae, turned 30 yesterday and we had some fun joking about (what is for some) the dreaded decade. (I, personally, am looking forward to my thirties). Yet, I couldn't help but think about the fact that Tricey (my sisters nickname) will never know what that's like. At this point, she would be 3 years into her thirties. Would she have been dreading this decade like some of my friends or celebrating it as I plan to? Would she be married, have kids, or some other life adventure? I'll never know. What I do know is how much I feel I have to live this life fully (for the both of us). Sometimes, the pain is exactly what we need to be reminded that we are alive and that, even when its hard, there are so many beautiful opportunities within it.
