This is the post I have been avoiding and one of the reasons I have been slow to write anything real here. One of my goals was to be more transparent, but like most things, that is easier said/thought than done.
Self-Doubt
Man, I am struggling bad. At least once a day I wonder why I signed up for this stupid PhD. I don't feel equipped. It doesn't help that I have fallen into the trap of comparing myself to others. (We all know what a downward spiral that can be). Everyone else seems so ambitious, so driven, so sure of what they want... My rational mind knows that is not entirely true, but rational doesn't seem to dwell here anymore.
My classes are pretty good. However, I always leave the one I enjoy the most feeling more and more disillusioned about the politics of the profession. I know I am a chronic idealist, but dang people! Really, what am I do here? Am I cut out for this?
It doesn't help that I don't really feel connected to my cohort.
I have made some Salsa friends, but they are just that. So I find myself wondering, how is it that I am so close to home and I feel so relationally disconnected?
I think I know the answer...
Stubbornness
Truth is knocking on my door. It has been trying to get in for the past few weeks. It has been shouting through my windows and I have tried to drown it out. It can no longer be ignored.
I believe I am suffering from a transitional depression. Though, I am so happy to be free from the oppression that was KY, this change has been harder than I anticipated. Even though, this is a totally normal occurrence I still feel shame in my sadness. I of all people know better!
I, who, desires to see the stigma attached to counseling and mental health struggles disappear.
I, who, as a scholar could potentially write a dissertation on the triggers of depression (one common one being life transition - especially for natural pessimist, of which I am definitely one).
I, who, encourages anyone who confides in me to find the strength in his or her willingness to admit when they are struggling.
Yet, here I am in day 26 of telling myself that tomorrow will be the day that I will go see someone. Really? I have been trying to find every other thing to focus on besides the real issue at hand, but no more...
Singleness
The instant cure for alone-ness? I think not. While I do miss sharing life with someone in that way, I am encouraged to find lately that I am not at the place for settling for just anything.
This summer, I finally got "back in the game." After five years of ridiculous rumination, I allowed myself to envision happiness with whoever is awaiting my arrival into his life.
Yummy (a term coined by my roomie) helped with that. I have had the opportunity to get to know and/or reacquaint myself with a couple of people since I have returned to GA. I still continue the search, though. Am I uber picky? Sure. After five years of dating desolation, I believe the next one who gets the title boyfriend has to be on point!
Also, I am at the stage in my life when I am not in the mood for messing around, games, or immaturity. I am ready for romance, passion, but most of all a deep and abiding friendship partner (with whom I can make out of course)! So, until I find him, I am just chillin' and trying to survive this doctoral process.
Spirituality
God is amazing. Even in this time of spiritual struggle for me, I keep seeing glimpses of his love and pursuit of me. He hasn't given up on me yet and that is why I can never truly give up on Him. I just hope, someday soon, I can enjoy the kind of relationship I have had with Him in the past.
