It is not a lack of love, but a lack of friendship that makes unhappy marriages.” ― Friedrich NietzscheMarriage, uh, yeah, what is it good for? Absolutely nothing? Marriage... war... why quibble over words? I feel like people who have gone through either and come out on the other end have a similar story, wounds and PTSD.
Don't get me wrong, I look at my grandparents who have been married for 59 years I think, "surely there is some merit to this thing." More often than not, I just hear one sad tale after another of estrangement, fighting, or even just general apathy towards marriage. What is that about? It's made me so cynical that I can't help look at some of my friends' young marriages and try to guess the expiration date.
This post isn't coming out of thin air; a friend of mine is recently divorced and hearing him talk about it has started my mind reeling. What is the purpose of marriage? (I actually Googled this and there is a website, purposeofmarriage.org. It didn't quite give me what I was looking for, though). M. Gallagher wrote a paper titled What Marriage is For? The Public Purposes of Marriage Law on www.marriagedebate.com. She talks about marriage being a protection for children and describes the gains of children raised in homes in which their parents were married over those who don't. She also talks about how, because of what it has come to mean symbolically in our society, it legitimizes love and commitment. Thus, single people gauge their commitment levels against marriage.
I guess I can buy some of that. I don't know that that is the way it should be, but what can you do? Does marriage make our society better? Perhaps, when it works. There seems to be all of this evidence of the benefits of marriage on both physical and emotional health. When it works. So, why is it, that after so many years of marriage as an institution, less and less people are getting it right?
These days I feel decreasingly desirous of it.
Dating is a whole other beast. Do you date around? Are you a serial monogamist? What about friends with benefits? Now a days, it is harder and harder to make a meaningful connection with someone, in terms of dating. It's the paradox of choice. There is just way too much access to too many people and under such circumstances, how can a person possibly make a decision that they feel wholly satisfied with? People like to say the quote, "saying yes to one thing means saying no to something else." When it comes to dating, though, saying yes to one person could be saying no to hundreds of others. What if one of those others was a better choice?
I worry about that a lot. What if I choose someone and then an amazing person comes along? God, that sounds awful, but allow me a moment of authenticity. I am not the kind of person who would break up with someone for someone else. I like to honor my commitments unless there is an actual problem. But, that would be a tortuous situation. I also worry about it in the reverse. I think I am a pretty cool person. I am a pretty awesome girlfriend: loving, encouraging, affectionate, fun... I am not the most beautiful, but I am easy on the eyes. But, there are also lots and lots of super hot girls out there,and some of them actually have great personalities. Oh, and, did I mention, they are getting younger and younger.
So, what is the purpose of dating? To lead to marriage? If so, and marriage seems to be breaking down as a successful endeavor, save for the lucky few, why do we do it? Perhaps to not be alone?
Friendship is pretty awesome. I wish it, in itself, could be enough; however, you can't sleep with your friends, not successfully, at least. It would irrevocably change the friendship. I am speaking from what I have heard not experience, thank goodness. Plus, most of my good friends are girls. So, there's that. More power to women who love women in that way, but it's not for me.
Friendship is powerful and the salve to your wounds from the aforementioned relationship breakdowns. And, if a lack of it makes unhappy marriages, as Nietzche says, then it's the greatest investment of all, right?
I may never be a wife. I am sure I'll be someone's girlfriend again, at some point. A friend, though, I can and will be forever for all that will let me.
