Now, I am naturally introspective, but nothing makes you more aware of who you are as a person and how you show up in the world like being in a relationship does. Negotiating life with someone can be tricky. It can be simultaneously one of the most rewarding and frustrating experiences on earth! For me, it's most rewarding when I am on the same page as my partner. When I feel known, seen, and heard and able to "do life with" my significant other, it is truly such an enriching experience. The shadow side, however, is the frustration that comes from being with someone who doesn't always see things the way you do and/or thinks so differently about things that communication comes to a stand still.
Part of how I negotiate that is to try to find ways to communicate who I am to my s.o., so he, at least, has an opportunity to better understand me. Likewise, I can be almost obsessive in trying to understand who he is (personality, history, etc.) as well. What can I say, I am a "learner" in all things, not just the academic.
The MBTI (Meyers-Briggs) has been my saving grace. Having one of the rarer personality types (INFJ), it has been so useful in helping me articulate my way of being in the world. While no personality test can capture the full complexity of a person, the MBTI has come so very close for me. Enneagrams are a great supplement to the MBTI. An enneagram "emphasizes psychological motivations" (9types.com). It provides nine types (motivations). The aforementioned website has a test you can take to capture your own enneagram. I would encourage you to give it a go.
As for me, I am pretty even between Types 4 and 5 (the Romantic and the Thinker). So, here's what that means for me:
Romantics have sensitive feelings and are warm and perceptive, and Thinkers have a need for knowledge and are introverted, curious, analytical, and insightful.
How to Get Along with Me
- Give me plenty of compliments. They mean a lot to me.
- Be a supportive friend or partner. Help me to learn to love and value myself.
- Respect me for my special gifts of intuition and vision.
- Though I don't always want to be cheered up when I'm feeling melancholy, I sometimes like to have someone lighten me up a little.
- Be independent, not clingy.
- Speak in a straightforward and brief manner.
- I need time alone to process my feelings and thoughts.
- Remember that If I seem aloof, distant, or arrogant, it may be that I am feeling uncomfortable.
- Make me feel welcome, but not too intensely, or I might doubt your sincerity.
- If I become irritated when I have to repeat things, it may be because it was such an effort to get my thoughts out in the first place.
- Help me to avoid my pet peeves: big parties, other people's loud music, overdone emotions, and intrusions on my privacy.
What I Like About Being a Romantic Thinker
- standing back and viewing life objectively
- coming to a thorough understanding; perceiving causes and effects
- my sense of integrity: doing what I think is right and not being influenced by social pressure
- my ability to find meaning in life and to experience feeling at a deep level
- my ability to establish warm connections with people
- admiring what is noble, truthful, and beautiful in life
- my creativity, intuition, and sense of humor
- being unique and being seen as unique by others
- having aesthetic sensibilities
- being able to easily pick up the feelings of people around me
- not being caught up in material possessions and status
- being calm in a crisis
What I Struggle With as a Romantic Thinker
- being slow to put my knowledge and insights out in the world
- feeling bad when I act defensive or like a know-it-all
- experiencing dark moods of emptiness and despair
- feelings of self-hatred and shame; believing I don't deserve to be loved
- feeling guilty when I disappoint people
- feeling hurt or attacked when someone misundertands me
- expecting too much from myself and life
- fearing being abandoned
- obsessing over resentments
- longing for what I don't have
- being pressured to be with people when I don't want to be
- watching others with better social skills, but less intelligence or technical skill, do better professionally
Romantic Thinkers as Children (pretty accurate for me) Usually:
- have a few special friends rather than many
- have active imaginations: play creatively alone or organize playmates in original games
- are very bright and curious and do well in school
- are very sensitive
- have independent minds and often question their parents and teachers
- watch events from a detached point of view, gathering information
- feel that they don't fit in
- assume a poker face in order not to look afraid
- are sensitive; avoid interpersonal conflict
- feel intruded upon and controlled and/or ignored and neglected
- spend a lot of time alone reading, making collections, and so on
- believe they are missing something that other people have
- attach themselves to idealized teachers, heroes, artists, etc.
- become antiauthoritarian or rebellious when criticized or not understood
- feel lonely or abandoned (perhaps as a result of a death or their parents' divorce)
Romantic Thinkers as Parents (if I ever have children):
- are often kind, perceptive, and devoted
- are sometimes authoritarian and demanding
- may expect more intellectual achievement than is developmentally appropriate
- may be intolerant of their children expressing strong emotions
- help their children become who they really are
- support their children's creativity and originality
- are good at helping their children get in touch with their feelings
- are sometimes overly critical or overly protective
- are usually very good with children if not too self-absorbed
Now, my s.o. doesn't read this blog, but this activity was helpful for me in organizing my thoughts around these ideas and communicating them when we have moments of relational growth :). I hope this was helpful to you readers and that you will look into it and dig more deeply into who you are. You know I'd love to know your results, so please share if you take the test (via text, email, or otherwise)!
